the Student Senate - Short Answers -USC Application Questions

I wrote this essay for the short prompt responses to the application requirements. After reading some essays, I feel like my is not really strong and a competitive essay. I would really appreciate you guys' assistance and advice to make this essay great!

Question: Tell us about an activity that is important to you and why. Please feel free to talk about an activity other than the one you may have discussed in your essay.

Essay: As the student body of College of the Redwoods, this was a significant and turning point in my life. From lobbying to the State Capitol in efforts to reduce tuition, to representing students at the Student Senate for California Community Colleges Conference, to pioneering a transportation policy that enabled students to ride for free, was a priceless and thrilling experience. This gave me an insight of my future profession, what to expect, and decide whether this was something I had great interest in. In addition, it created a desire to build my strength of character and to build on principals of integrity that make me a candle among the darkness.

I think the first sentence sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps something like, "Becoming a part of the student body at College of the Redwoods was a significant turning point in my life."

Then, the second sentence includes a lot of good information, but the structure isn't quite right. The "was a priceless and thrilling experience" should be changed so that it matches the first part (from...to).

Also, I believe "insight into" sounds more accurate than "insight of." Put something like "helped me" in front of "decide" too. The "it" in the last sentence may also be a bit ambiguous. Try "the experience" or something similar.

Hope this helps!

@ kyledb17

Hey thank you kindly! I really appreciate it and it was helpful. Thanks again.