Why you want to study biology (discoveries) - Brown

~1000 characters (I already have 990)

Any critique or help revising would be great

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?

It comes down to three things. Since I was a young boy I had always wanted to be able to discover something. It couldn't be just anything though; it had to be something grand, something that would change lives for the better. In doing so I could indulge in the self-satisfaction of knowing that I had made an impact on the world - I would be remembered. My grandfather's passing revealed where such a discovery would be easiest to make; his death at the hands of cancer motivated me to pursue the field of biology. To be specific I want to study genetics because it is still developing and discoveries, therefore, are imminent. I took AP Biology in order to get a glimpse of what studies in this field would consist of and whether I could commit myself to them. That choice would seal the deal and it is all thanks to my teacher, Mr. Keener. He impressed on me the same passion and vigor that he had for the subject and it was his instruction that confirmed I would make my mark in biology.

Hey grillojes,
I have just a couple suggestions on making this essay more concise.

-I, as a reader, am not "hooked" from the first sentence "It comes down to three things." If there are three factors that influenced your choice of career, I think there is a better way to phrase them in the first sentence. Something like "There have been three major factors that influenced my academic interest in biology. "

-I feel like the second half of your essay is much stronger than the first. The personal connections with your grandfather and the appreciation you have for your teacher are more emphasized than your lifelong goal to be somebody important. Maybe you could cut one or two of the first four sentences and replace it/them with a personal bit, like an example of some inventions or discoveries that you were particularly amazed in as a kid. Many high school students writing essays like this were all inspired as children in a similar way, and so as an applicant you really only have unique personal touches that can set you apart. These need to be strong and memorable and you will have a very solid essay.

I hope this helps. Please message me with any comments/responses. Also I would appreciate your feedback on my Princeton supplement essay. Good luck to you in your application process.

-Andrew

I don't see any grammatical errors, but one thing I would like to suggest is that it would be better if your essay focuses more on one event. I hope my comment helps :)

I agree with thakd 11, when you mention your teacher, also mention a specific event

Looks good

The word "It" could be replaced with something more meaningful. "My commitment to the field of medicine boils down to ...

In the second sentence of the essay, I think you should list the three things.

The teacher should not be named here. You have a limited word count. If you want to pay him tribute, you can blog about him, but every sentence of this essay should be used to show your plans and short-term goals.

Short term goals are the most powerful...

:-)