well this my first draft so its likely to be erroneous. Please be brutal and correct my stylistic and gramatical errors. Any help is appreciated.
To My Future Roomie:
You will find that upon unpacking that I am a perfectly normal individual. In my bags you will find a mimosa pudica, wind-up toy parts, and some cans of Mexican hominy. Aside from the fact that they are completely unrelated you will see that they are perfectly normal. I will probably spend my free time cross pollinating plants hoping to create a helpful hybrid plant or building an automatic window cleaner but like I said it's nothing out of the ordinary.
Just like the next guy I am going to study law while hanging upside down from the roof and disinfecting the walls with my very own cleaning elixir I have made with my hybrid plants. I am just a normal average Joe who occasionally catalogs the breeds of stray animals. Do not worry though its not like I am going to let the stray animals eat in the kitchen while I analyze their fur samples...I'll have them stay on your side of the room as to keep them from messing with my hybrid plants. I know that from one average Joe to another, keeping our genetically modified organisms safe is our priority.
Speaking of which have you seen my collection of modified potatoes? Well, recently I have been looking into them to see if their taste really differs from normal potatoes so I have been making various foods including them. I think you will notice that the jelly fish genes in the potatoes create a distinct taste don't you think? Well besides the fact that these potatoes now GLOW in the dark I think they help average Joes such as our selves as they are resistant to pests (mainly our neighbors sneaking in for free food).
Besides all my, "normal" hobbies, I think that you will like having me as your roommate. I am very organized and keep everything to a schedule. Every hour on the hour you'll hear my duck alarm, "Quack" when its time for me to get something done but really- who needs an alarm when I am the only quack we need. From my breeding glowing substances to making "Jetson" themed contraptions I am sure I'll keep you entertained.
Take note that this is supposed to be a letter, your roommate doesn't actually know you.
But i like your sarcasm in your essay, overall pretty good
Yeah like the person above me said, make sure you remember your roommate doesn't know you yet, I'd add in like little bit more about you as an overall person maybe some faults and some good traits and stuff, I really like your beginning mimosa pudica etc thing and sarcasm was good, overall good just a little bit tweeking and I think you'd be set!
describe you more, describe plants less.
hhhm i was using the plants as an indirect way to describe myself like since i like weird plant stuff it shows that i am smart and quirky you know?
This was very good, your tone of this essay was very 'humorous,' in a way. I like how you are metaphorically connecting to your love of plants and such. I think this essay is fine. The question is, do you feel confident about this essay? 100%? Because if you do, then it is fine.
I like this essay but it needs to be shortened a bit it is over the character limit any critiques are appreciated but the font is plain and so is the punctuation so any ideas on making it stand out?
While I was gardening last summer I took notice of a lone cosmo growing on the edge of my lawn. The pitiful thing was shriveled and was not planted firmly enough to withstand the gust of a passing wind. I looked to my father who was plucking weeds on the adjacent end of the garden. He frowned after giving the vegetation a passing glance and told me to "get rid of it, it does not fit in." As I pondered his frank response, I glanced at the proud delphium we had lining the doorway to our abode. Why is it that this cosmo may not flourish like the delphium? After all they both started as seeds so all this cosmo really needed was a little sun and care.
My father did no really understand why I was so persistent on trying to save the flower but nonetheless he was ambivalent and gave me a hearty o.k.. He did not see its potential as I did. I, like the flower, have been cast off by society. A week earlier I overheard a conversation between my father and his boss. Dad tried to convince his boss that I was a bright student who was performing well in every subject thrown at me but he failed. This haughty man said, "Your son is nothing special, anyone could succeed at the school he goes to."
This man who had the pretentious idea that public school was no good; this man who believed the poor should stay poor; this man who goes against the very ideals the American dream is based on is our superior? Like the roaming cosmo, why can't I wonder the lawn we call the world to find my place to thrive? My roots took hold in a hopeless place desperately grasping for solid land. It's not my fault that I grew up in ghetto town or that my parents can't afford to pay the bills so why shouldn't I get the chance to succeed?
A month after my dad was fired from his job and my family's condition began to worsen. I myself began to lose weight rapidly so I rationed any food that came my way. Despite it all, my hope and the cosmo grew. The cosmo I had taken on had grown to immense proportions reaching over six feet, surpassed the proud delphium. I hope that one day I to be given the chance to grow.
The thing is, i need to shorten the essay a bit so please be brutal. Dont tell me that it is ok i need something to work with
Otherwise nice essay. Could you please answer my mac miler question? thanks
My father did not really understand why I was so persistent on trying to save the flower but nonetheless he was ambivalent and gave me a hearty o.k.. He did not see its potential as I did. I, like the flower, have been cast off by society. A week earlier I overheard a conversation between my father and his boss. Dad tried to convince his boss that I was a bright student who was performing well in every subject thrown at me but he failed. This haughty man said, "Your son is nothing special, anyone could succeed at the school he goes to."
This man who had the pretentious idea that public school was no good; this man who believed the poor should stay poor; this man who goes against the very ideals the American dream is based on is our superior? Like the roaming cosmo, why can't I wonder the lawn we call the world to find my place to thrive? My roots took hold in a hopeless place desperately grasping for solid land. It's not my fault that I grew up in ghetto town or that my parents can't afford to pay the bills so why shouldn't I get the chance to succeed?
A month after my dad was fired from his job and my family's condition began to worsen. I myself began to lose weight rapidly so I rationed any food that came my way. Despite it all, my hope and the cosmo grew. The cosmo I had taken on had grown to immense proportions reaching over six feet, surpassed the proud delphium. I hope that one day I to be given the chance to grow.
I would try to shorten the green part above - I think there are too many rhetorical questions. Also, create a stronger conclusion - it is a bit weak compared to your introduction.
Could you please edit one of my revised essays? Thanks and Good Luck!
Is this still the letter to your roommate? There's a drastic change of tone! Can you give me a brief overview of what you were aiming for? It's quite different from the usual letter to roommate. Are you just trying to show your perseverence?
this is now the vitality essay @hopeful applier
how do end on a stronger note @nr554
Oh I see. In that case, I really like this essay! Your last sentence doesn't make sense though. "I hope that one day I to be..." I'm not sure what that means.
The edited version is much better - with fewer rhetorical questions. To make the conclusion stronger, talk more about the "hope" that "grew".
I hope that one day I will be given the chance to grow.
I really like this part of the conclusion - so keep it! - basically talk more about yourself and less about the flowers in your conclusion: much like this sentence.
also, on mine I put a new edited version.. PLEASE help me with the Indian origin essay!!! Thanks
