Studying the brain - Cognitive Neuroscience- Brown Supplement

Hi everyone, I need help proofreading one of my supplements. I'm applying to Brown early decision so please give me feedback ASAP, thanks!!

Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated in our Member Section, earlier in this application? If you are "undecided" or not sure which Brown concentrations match your interests, consider describing more generally the academic topics or modes of thought that engage you currently.

When I was younger, I thought the brain was the most repulsive looking organ because it resembled a mass of intestine-like worms. I could have never imagined being interested in studying the brain. However, this changed once I took AP Psychology and Biology in high school and studied cognition, the mind, and neural systems. I was doing a significant amount of research after school to attain a deeper understanding of the topics discussed in class, and for each question I had answered, two more arose. Last winter, when I read Consciousness Explained by Daniel Dennett on my flight home, I realized that I was rather passionate about cognitive neuroscience. I am drawn to cognitive neuroscience because the field concentrates on studying human cognition from a behavioral and biological perspective. Ultimately, I aspire that my time spent studying cognitive neuroscience will contribute to finding a treatment for psychological disorders.

- Erica, you may want to reconsider this statement. It is not a good idea to let the admission officer know that you were repulsed by the brain since you are applying to the college of nueroscience. I would advice you to instead, present how your interest in the human brain developed during your AP classes by explaining what drew you to study the human brain and its psychological functions in the first place. From that point on, the rest of your essay fits in quite well with the prompt. I can further assist you in developing this essay once we have addressed the opening statement problem. As I learn more about your interest in neuorscience, I will be able to help you further polish the content of the essay in alignment with the prompt :-)

Does this sound any better?

When I first embarked on my journey through high school, I enrolled in classes from a plethora of subjects in order to pinpoint what I wanted to study in college. After taking AP Psychology and Biology in high school, I concluded that I was interested in studying cognition, the mind, and neural systems. I was doing a significant amount of research after school to attain a deeper understanding of the topics discussed in class, and for each question I had answered, two more arose. Last winter, when I read Consciousness Explained by Daniel Dennett on my flight home, I realized that I was rather passionate about cognitive neuroscience. I am drawn to cognitive neuroscience because the field concentrates on studying human cognition from both a behavioral and biological perspective. Ultimately, I aspire that my time spent studying cognitive neuroscience will contribute to finding a treatment for psychological disorders.

I still feel that my essay sounds dull. : /

Erica, your introduction has greatly improved. Now, let me tell you why your essay sounds dull. You have not created an engaging hook that can reel in the reader to learn more about what you have to say about your journey towards your choice of college majors. I would work more on the essay by presenting a more interesting introduction. If I may take a shot at offering you a sample introduction;

When I first saw the picture of a the human brain, I thought "Our brain is made up of worms?" I could not believe what I was seeing and I had so many questions about how the worm like part of our nervous system could be the very essence of our humanity. I began studying what I could about the human brain from a child's point of view and this was the passion that I carried with me all the way to my AP studies in High school. The worm was now the most intricate part of the human body that intrigued me no end. It was after I enrolled in AP classes and became more enlightened about the human psyche that I knew what I wanted to study in college.

From this point, you can discuss how the AP classes further developed your interest in the field. Discuss the research that you have done and if possible, present any results of the research you did. If you revise the essay in this manner, we may be able to liven it up a bit more :-) Use my introduction as a template for you to use. Be creative but don't present your interest in the brain from your younger years in a negative light. Be careful about how you present yourself :-)