"Substitution! 21 for 3!" Short response for common app! Leave comments!

Since I had to condense this so much, I'm afraid it lost that emotion it once had. Just tell me what you think. Does it make sense, and is it any good?

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

"Substitution! 21 for 3!" my coach screamed impatiently. 21?! Since this was my first volleyball game, I had been convinced that my number wouldn't be called. As my trembling knees reluctantly advanced past the serve line, I nervously glanced at my teammates. Suddenly, a wave of cheers exploded across the court. In just three weeks, I had obliviously made many friends - ones who eagerly cheered my name to offer me condolence. Determination burned in my eye, and strength surged through my arms. I threw the ball in the air and smacked it with abounding power. Victory was ours.

Since that day, volleyball has become my passion and I dedicate both time and energy to mastering its techniques. Although the sport teaches you to thrive on individual achievement, it also disciplines through dependence and friendship. The grueling practice sessions instill solid bonds between members, and the laughter shared creates unforgettable memories.

ones who eagerly cheered my name to offer me condolence

condolence is usually used for sad events. You should find a better word

teaches me to thrive on individual achievement

i think first person reference is better

though you have shortened it up, this one might be better because it is consie, to the point and still retain the intersting aspect

Thanks zowzow. I replaced condolence with "encouragment." Is that better? Is my response too boring? I mean, does it even covey a message?

this is a short answer elaborating on one of ur activities. The admissions officers just wants to know a bit more about one of your activities. It is not be all or end all. lol

i think you should calm down a little (and i understand your stress too, i am going through it too after all)

and yes encouragement is much better. Your response is interesting and this is what you are supposed to do. elaborate on your activity, show what you have learnt from it

Ok; thanks zowzow; i feel better; thanks for all your help.

well, it's not boring, i can feel some of your details. you will be fine

"Substitution! 21 for 3, " my coach screamed impatiently. 21?! (DON'T USE "?!". It is too informal. Just use a ?)

In just three weeks, I had obliviously made many friends - ones who eagerly cheered my name to offer me encouragement, determination, and instant confidence .

Since that day, volleyball has become my passion, and I dedicate both time and energy to mastering its techniques.

Don't stress too much over such a short essay. I have written a few of these (only about four when I graduated high school in 2002, and two after my Associate's degree... I will be writing more entrance essays soon as I will be applying for grad school soon---I got accepted to all six schools I applied to as well!)

These are just to give the board an idea of who you are as a person...Somethings that a transcript and application cannot tell a person. You definitely want to connect with the school, be enthusiastic, and show you are a person!

pretty good... i hate short answers too.but dont worry about yours, it makes sense.

Determination burned in my eyes

I'm not so sure if you should use "wouldn't" in your undergrad admission essay. If I were you, I would use "would not".

Other than that, the short answer is generally fine.

Good job. I think it would be better if you add one or two sentence to connect the activity and what you've learned from it.

Yes, it is excellent!

I am surprised that they only allow 150 words!!