Hi! This is my common application essay for the personal statement. Unfortunately, I just recently came upon essay forum, and didn't have a chance to post this before I submitted it to other colleges. I really appreciate anyone's comments on content and/or grammar! Thanks so much!
Super Snozz
I couldn't believe I had never noticed it before! What was this disgusting object that protruded out of my face? Alas, it was my nose.
My sister had always insinuated that I had a larger than average nose, and my cousins had reiterated this belief time and time again. I, however, ignored their criticism, completely oblivious to the obvious truth. My epiphany suddenly hit me as I was trying on clothes at my local Target. The mirror in this dressing room happened to give me a view of both the front of my body, and the sides of it, something I had never seen before. For the first time in my life, I got a real view of my profile. The first thing I noticed was the feature that took up the most space: my nose. It was bulbous, aquiline, and just plain ugly! All I could focus on was the abomination sitting in the middle of my face. I was devastated; I couldn't believe how hideous my profile looked. I finally understood why my nickname at the pool was "super snozz." Ignorance is bliss after all.
As soon as we came home, I ran to my room and began to look up rhinoplasty and beauty sites on the internet, trying to find out if others suffered from similar problems. Finally, after wasting hours on the computer, hours with a camera trying to study the pictures of my face, and days pitying and hating myself, I came to realize how idiotic I was acting. After all, I had several caring friends, who didn't like me merely for my appearance. It struck me how extremely hypocritical it was of me to act just as shallow and egotistical as those self-obsessed, superficial girls on TV that I often mocked. I had always scoffed at people who placed so much importance on looks and were willing to change themselves and how they looked just to please the rest of society. I hated when my friends complained about their trivial problems and insecurities because they weren't really that important. Compared to the actual problems the world faces, my shallow "issue" was nonexistent!
Although it took a long while, I finally realized that maybe my big nose was more of a blessing than a curse. It actually built up my self-esteem rather than destroying it, as it easily could have. My flaw forced me to look at people's personalities instead of their outer imperfections, including my own. Now, in order to maintain any sort of confidence, I needed to rely on my personality instead of just on simply how I look. People may judge me for having a larger nose, but hopefully I can win them over with what really counts: my incessant optimism, friendly demeanor, and compassion for others. I no longer need to look in a mirror fifteen times a day nor feel the need to walk around with my hands covering my nose because I have a gained confidence in something so much more important- who I am. My looks may change, and society might suddenly decide big noses are beautiful, but it doesn't matter because I enjoy a confidence that is completely independent of what others think. I have earned a real self-esteem and happiness within myself because of my awesome, oversized nose, and it couldn't excite me more! It took a lot of personal strength for me to overcome society's values of looks over personality, but now that I have, it only boosts my self-esteem because I am proud of myself for finding that strength. Now, instead of feeling embarrassed when my friend's little brother innocently asks me, "Why do you have such a big, big nose?" I can simply jokingly reply, "So I can smell better!"
First off thanks for reading my essay earlier and thanks for your input. Since you helped me with mine I am more than willing to help you with yours. I totally agree that I should take out the dance part so thank you for helping me realize that because I am definitely WAY over the word limit. And yep! We are pretty much twins! hahah!
Okay, so onto the essay. This is a really solid essay! It flows well and you have a good writing style. But here are some constructive critiques:
Personally, I would start the essay with "My epiphany suddenly hit me as I was trying on clothes at my local Target. The mirror in this dressing room happened to give me a view of both the front of my body, and the sides of it, something I had never seen before. For the first time in my life, I got a real view of my profile," then move into "I couldn't believe..." I feel like those few sentences capture the essence of the essay more. Plus, I personally think it is more intriguing and will catch the readers attention from the start. When they read the first few words they will continue to read because they will want to know what this epiphany is so I would just suggest switching those chunks around.
I wouldn't say "I was devastated" because this revelation seemed to have been building up inside of you for quite some time. I may be totally wrong, but from a readers standpoint, "devastated" does not seem like the right word to describe your state of mind during the event. I can't really think of another word to describe it but if you can't either, I would just advise cutting the sentence out all together.
I definitely love the part about you rushing home and spending hours on the internet trying to find a "cure." KEEP THAT. I personally think its perfect the way it is. I feel the same way about the hypocritical part.
"My flaw forced me to look at people's personalities instead of their outer imperfections, including my own."
THis is a little awkward so I would change this to something like "My flaw forced me to look past not only my own but other people's imperfections and instead focus on the personality of the individual."
Lastly, I don't know how much your word count is but if you have a few extra words to spear I would add a short(1-2 sentences) example of how your nose is a blessing more than a curse.
AND I LOVE THE ENDING. It is a great way to tie it together and throw in some comical relief at the same time.
Well done! Overall, a great and intriguing essay! :)
