I think that my answer is too short, it only has around 80 words... But I don't know what else to add. Help would be greatly appreciated ! :)
What qualities do you have that would make you successful in the Bachelor of Science program? (200 words max.)
A strong quality of mine is my dedication in helping others. Through various volunteering opportunities I have established communication skills, listening skills, and leadership skills. I have volunteered at a youth mentorship program which allowed me to interact with elementary students. This experience not only allowed me to be a positive role model for the children, but also taught me how important responsibility is. Another quality would be my passion for human biology. I am currently taking Biology 12 at my high school. I was fascinated when I went on a field trip to the Body Works Exhibition at Science World three years ago. It amazes me how the small intestine fits in our body when it is 7 meters long! I am fascinated at how our body regulates so many functions. For example, the kidneys play an important role in removing wastes and maintaining water balance, and there are specialized nerve receptors in our body which detects high blood pressure. My career goal would be able to become a successful optometrist. My passion gives rise to my willingness to learn and determination to succeed will make me successful in the Bachelor of Science program.
What you are saying here sounds pretty generic. Pretty much anyone who is willing to go through the hard work to get a degree in the sciences must have some passion for it, a willingness to learn the material, the motivation to try their best, etc.
What is it that is unique to you that would give you success over someone else? They are asking for qualities so maybe you should try to talk about your personality. Maybe you are a very analytical person. You could talk about some example in your life where you really demonstrated analytical skills. Maybe you love to help people. You could talk about a time when you demonstrated that characteristic.(for biological sciences used in medical careers.)
If you want to be, say, a doctor you could even talk about your religious beliefs if they would help you through tough decisions and give you personal strength and solace in the face of desperate situations. If you can find maybe two specific positive qualities about your personality and then elaborate on specific examples of how you demonstrated them you could easily go over 200 words. Then you can edit it down. Stay away from cliches! :)
too much run on sentence
I think a quality of mine that would make me successful in the Bachelor of Science program is my passion for human biology. I am currently taking Biology 12 at my high school, and I am fascinated at all the processes that occur in humans that we never take the time to think about: (name some examples). (Write a sentence about your specific educational/career goals.) My passion gives rise to my willingness to learn and determination to succeed will make me successful. I can motivate myself to do try my best as well as continuously improving to aspire for higher goals.
I scratched off that bad sentence at the end...
Can you add sentences that tell specific studies in biology you are passionate about? For example, I am interested in the body's electrical system and the controversial work of Robert Becker. What are your specific interests?
Sorry if this did not get to you before you sent it! Good luck!
:)
Specific examples, as other comments have pointed out, would be good. In addition to the advice you have already been given, you might want to consider asking yourself what qualities you have that would make you a good fit for a science degree, specifically. Passion and a commitment to hard work are good qualities to have in any field. Do you have any qualities that would be more useful to you in your pursuit of biology than they would be in say, pursuing a degree in Fine Arts, or English Literature?
Thank you all for the help ! :D
I'll try to think of better qualities and examples.
As you can all tell... I'm a really bad writer ...
Sean: I honestly can't think of any qualities that would be more useful for me in sciences than fine arts... etc.
It amazes me, for example, how the small intestine fits in our body when it is 7 meters long, and I am fascinated at how our body regulates so many functions. the kidneys play an important role in removing wastes and maintaining water balance, and there are specialized nerve receptors in our body which detects high blood pressure.This part I crossed out sounds like you flipped through a text book and chose a fact to use. Can you change the kidney part to be something about vision? That way, you will not be all over the place, jumping from topic to topic; you'll replace it with a fact about vision that is fascinating, and that will enable you to transition nicely into: My career goal would be able to become a successful optometrist.
I've changed it.
Once again, thank you very much for correcting my mistakes ><.
It amazes me, for example, how the small intestine fits in our body when it is seven meters long, and how our body regulates so many functions. The eye has always been fascinating to me. It is amazing how nearsightedness and farsightedness can be corrected by concave or convex lens. From a personal perspective, I always wore glasses as a child and became interested in eye care.My career goal is to become a successful optometrist. My passion gives rise to my willingness to learn and my determination to succeed will make me successful in the Bachelor of Science program.
Here's another part of my application...
Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)
When I was little, my family was extremely poor. We lived in an old house and there were even mice living under the same roof as me. I remember fondly how scared I was when I needed to go to the washroom or the fright I had when I was sitting on the floor playing video games with my brother. I can also recall the times when my parents, brother and I slept in the same room and how I slept on the floor with a sheet of blanket as my bed. My childhood was not the greatest. My mother worked long hours at Keefer Laundry and part time as a janitor at an office building in Downtown. Since I barely saw my parents, I only have a few childhood pictures of me in our photo album. My parents' hard work has significantly influenced my academic goals. I want to become a successful optometrist. I want to give my family a good life that they deserve. I do not want to see my father laying on the stairways anymore because he is too tired to walk up the stairs to his bed.
"Because I always wore glasses as a child, I became interested in eye care"
"Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)" Your essay for this is weak. The overcoming of adversity in childhood is a decent enough topic, but you need to tie it in to your academic goals more strongly. At the moment, you merely say that you want to become an optometrist because "I want to give my family a good life that they deserve. I do not want to see my father laying on the stairways anymore because he is too tired to walk up the stairs to his bed." But you could do this as another sort of doctor, or as a lawyer, or as an engineer, or as a police officer, or as a bank robber, for that matter. So, your answer really tells us nothing about how your academic goals developed. Also, now that I think of it, you are supposed to focus on one specific incident, and you don't really -- you more give an overview of your childhood. You should write a new essay for this one, I'm afraid.
I've written another one...
I hope this one will be better.
I was excited to place my hands for the first time onto a pair of contact lens, because...
Above, use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence.
This essay is cool! However, a sentence needs to be added. Add a sentence that gives some deeper, more meaningful reason for your interest in optometry. Can you say that you perceive this field to be one in which you can make a global contribution? Or a field that has meaning for you because of a special desire to help people to improve their lives? Can you write a sentence about how you believe vision is the most important of the senses? The problem right now is that it seems like you are basing your whole career on the fact that you really liked getting contact lenses as a kid. Superficial. But, you can fix it with one good sentence.
I took out and changed a few things from the essay because of the word limit...
So here it is!
I was excited to place my hands for the first time onto a pair of contact lens, because I hated wearing my thick glasses. I hated how my glasses would fog up and I hated how I looked like a nerd. Trying on the contact lens, I was scared to touch my eye since it is such a delicate organ. But after minutes of fiddling, I was wearing my new pair of contact lens. From that day on, I was always fascinated in how the small plastic-looking contact lenses have such power to correct your eyesight. What amazed me more was the fact that contact lenses can even change your iris color. I did thorough research on Career Cruising during my Planning 10 class, and became increasingly interested in eye care. I believe that vision is the most important of our senses because it enables us to see the beautiful things in life. With UBC's outstanding reputation, I believe UBC will expand my knowledge and with this knowledge, I wish to improve human life globally. Being given the chance to be accepted into the Bachelor of Science program, I will be one step closer to obtaining my dream.
I was wondering if I should give more description of the first time I tried on the lens because it said to Describe and evaluate one experience? Or is this good enough?
Also there is an optional section that says:
Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)
I want to write something, but I'm not sure what to say because I've already mentioned my qualities and why I want to be an optometrist above.
Thank you !!
Oh... yes, I think you should attend to that prompt about evaluating an experience. I think you can explain that in that experience of trying on a contact lens, you had these insights about the importance of vision, the value of contact lenses for helping people to feel confident about how they look, and through this experience you may even have become inspired to achieve some SPECIFIC advancement in optometry or service you can provide that will enable you to "contribute globally."
Does that seem right? To write it in a way that shows that these insights and aspirations became clear during that single experience?
I also think you should include the thing about hot soup causing the glasses to fog up -- it was a good detail! It colored in the essay. :)
About the optional essay: Some people use this opportunity to explain why they had a low GPA, and others use it to show that they have a special "vision" for -- hey! That is what you can do: Use the word "vision" as a double-entendre, a word with a double meaning. Write this optional essay about your vision for the future -- how your education will enable you to actualize your dream of contributing globally through optometry. Are there poor countries where you might spend some time providing free service or creating a helpful program? Is there any poor country that fascinates you? Use this essay to back up what you claimed about wanting to contribute globally. :)
