Hello, this is my study plan for Glion Higher School of Education. Please give your feedback on this. Thanks.
When I visited Switzerland for the first time, I realized that it is the place where I want to study in university. Peaceful surroundings and the beauty of Switzerland grasped my breath away. Since my childhood, I was always a very open person, who loved to communicate with others and studying in Glion gives me an opportunity to do what I am passionate about.
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Hi, overall your essay sounded a little unorganized. You seem to go back and forth from topic to topic without a discernible order. Maybe structure it by beginning with your early background when you chose your career path, then your education and experience, then your future goals and career path, and finally why you want to attend this school in particular and what you have to offer this school.
When I visited Switzerland for the first time, I realized that it is the place where I want to study in university. Peaceful surroundings and the beauty of Switzerland grasped [took] my breath away. Since my childhood, I was always [have always been a] very open person, who love[s ] to communicate with others[,] and studying in Glion gives me an opportunity to do what I am passionate about. Combining hospitality an[d ] event sport, [and] entertainment organization is a little dream {maybe not diminish this by calling it a little dream} that may come true. I am motivated to study in one of the best hospitality school[s ] and I am well motivated to use best of my ability in order to make the university proud.
Studying experience {"studying experience" sounds pretty odd} in international school for 7 years will help with students and teaching staff {this phrase sounds unclear - how are you supposed to "help with students"?} at Glion; because of the [I have a] clear understanding what is expected from [me ]and I will make sure I won't become a liability.
As Herzberg once said, money is not the only motivator, which suggests that no matter what I will be a hard working student; because I am following a path that I chose. {this sounds a bit odd - do you mean you are choosing the hospitality industry even though it does not pay well?}
Switze[r land is a developed {try to come up with something a bit more complimentary than merely "developed"} country with many opportunities for further education and new experience, which I would like to gain while studying at Glion; because to gain skill, you need experience.
I'm confident that i will suite [suit] {this still sounds odd, since it sounds like you are trying to make a "hotel suite" pun} the leading hotel management school in the world and will not become a liability. {why are you stressing "not becoming a liability"? - it sounds like "please let me come to your school, I promise not to break everything and ruin the place" - stress the positive more}
Since [When] I was 13, I used to help my dad at the negotiations {what negotiations? be a bit more specific} due to my ability in speaking {"my fluency in several" sounds better}several languages, which made me emotionally intelligent and allowed to understand people's feelings and control my empathy{why do you have to "control your empathy" - surely empathy is a critical component of a successful hospitality employee} in order to achieve the goals at the talks;{"the talks" sounds odd - usually it means high level negotiations between nations} because in now in the business world you come across people from different cultures and it's crucial to understand them.
Work experience that I gained at Active Management Asia Ltd taught me the organisation skills [necessary to manage] of the sporting events there. Other work experience that I gained at [in] Siam at Siam [H]otel, provided me with an opportunity to see a real hotel business from [the inside and gain much] it insight
[At my] Attendance at business conferences such as Innovate shows that I use[d ] every opportunity to strike out and become a polymath.{"polymath" sounds pretty odd}
Other challenges that I faced during my years in school is silver IA award that I have received, {an award is not a challenge} which taught me how to be a co-worker, which is essential in hospitality industry because you [are] part of a team and you are trying to reach the same goals.
My experience and positive attitude will help me to adapt to changes. Critical and analytical thinking skills would assist me in interacting with others and stating my opinion.
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