Syracuse University (SU) - Why Syracuse? Who-What? STUDENTS OF SUSTAINABILTY ORG. (250 W or less)

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?

As I researched different clubs and activities in Syracuse, I came across a campus organization that I became interested in. The Students of Sustainability club meets all the criteria that I look for in a college education. The Students of Sustainability club provides me with perspectives, which are important to a prospective political science student such as myself. Additionally, joining this organization during my time in Syracuse will expose me to various issues in society that will not only prepare me for my degree but also a career in government.

As an activist, the Students of Sustainability campus organization gives me an opportunity to embrace the activism I've gained throughout high school and fight for the issues that I want to solve in society. Furthermore, I see the Students of Sustainability organization as a way to fit in and make my college transition as smooth as possible. I see myself becoming a part of this wonderful family that strives for change in the world. I'm an environmentalist and activist with the goal of using my future political power to reduce the effects of climate change. I see Students of Sustainability as a stepping stone toward achieving this goal, and also a way to embrace my political ideals and strive for social justice. The environment of clubs that revolve around politics, especially Students of Sustainability, has influenced my decision to apply to Syracuse University.

Rowlie, the reference point for this essay should use the future tense of "will" since you have yet to become a part of the organization. Based upon what I have read of your response, it seems that you have the paragraphs improperly presented. You should be presenting the second paragraph first, then the current first paragraph last. That way, you open the response with an impressive presentation which then allows you to close the essay on a relevant note. Precisely explaining how this student organization at Syracuse heavily influenced your decision to seek admission to the university. Your choice of reference is very impressive. You also explain your decision with authority. It just requires some adjustment in the presentation in order to create a more memorable response for the reviewer. As far as I am concerned, the paragraph switch is all you have to do in order to perfect this essay.