Can anyone give me any criticisms on my essay, anything and everything would be appreciate. I want to make it as best I can. EVERYTHING IS WELCOMED I ain't really good at english so there might be alot of errors. Oh and also tell me if these essays will help me stand out or not among other applicants, thanks. I am kinda satisfied with what i made, its a rough draft right now but I feel like I can do alot better than just this.
Prompt#1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Growing up, I have always believed that taking care of the elderly was a responsibility placed upon everyone. My grandparents were hard workers for a very long time. They helped my parents take care of me when I was little as if they were my own parents. When my grandfather died, I was unable to repay any kindness to him because I was still immature back then. As I grew older I came to understand that the elderly had worked all their lives and it became more difficult for them to take care of themselves as they aged. I realized what I wanted to do was to pursue the medical field because I wanted to help people to live a longer and healthier life.
During my summer breaks, I volunteered at a nursing home for Alzheimer's patients. When the elderly are stricken with Alzheimer's disease, they tend forget more often depending on the severity of the disease. I wanted to help these people in any way I could because they would be unable to help themselves. There is no cure for Alzheimer's disease, the only way to slow down its progression is the maintenance of the patients personal health. If Alzheimer's disease severed the brain would cause unpredictable thinking and behavior and must be prevented.
At the nursing home, there would always be this one elderly who had to be watched over all the time. He would end up falling whenever no one watches over him. I had to create a conversation with him that would distract him doing something that will cause him to fall. He loved dancing but he had poor balance over himself. He had already fallen a few times before I volunteered but he couldn't remember the times he had fallen due to dementia. I knew I couldn't let that happen again. I would be scared if he would fall and injure himself. Whenever he stood up, I would hold onto him, talk to him, just to get him to sit down even if he didn't like it.
Always trying to prevent danger from falling upon others, I have a fear when others gets hurt. I want to do whatever that is within my power to prevent others from getting hurt. In order to help others at a higher level, I must pursue the medical field in order to truly have the ability to watch over others. I have to return the favor to my community for what they had done for me.
Prompt#2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I had always yearned for competition throughout my life. I had always loved racing against other people ever since I was little, so I joined the Track and Field team. When practice came, I soon realized I had underestimated the training.
The first day of practice was Indian Run and Coach started explaining to us what we had to do. At the beginning I started to keep in pace with everyone, but soon I started to slow down. making a big gap in the line. The veterans yelled at me to close the gap and with all my might I slowly closed the gap, but the gap was forming again. It was time for me to give up, but my body didn't listen to me. I kept thinking to myself to just fall on the ground and stop, I couldn't run long distance, I didn't have the stamina for it, and I was losing my consciousness. Then the whistle blew at the last moment, my energy rejuvenated and I dashed to the finish line. I realized that I was not as good as I thought out to be. It didn't stop me, I continued to go to practice every day knowing it would be tough. I didn't want to cheat practice by cheating myself.
Running everyday almost to the point of throwing up, I finally ran my first track meet. My nervousness increased the closer my event was. A few minutes away from my race, I started to choke and thought I might screw up. My heart would just beat faster each second. It was time, nervously shaking, I positioned myself on the blocks waiting for the gun to blow. The gun blew and I quickly dashed off my block towards the finish line with all my might. The thrill of the race consumed me, I couldn't think, I was just running and I didn't know why, I just ran with all might trying to surpass my own limit. As I pass the line, I released myself and looked around. I knew that it would take time to improve.
At the end of the year I still had no chance in the finals, but that didn't stop me. I believed there would be a next time. That time came sooner than I expected. After another year of practice, my results were showing. Winning the majority of my races I felt confident in doing well in the finals, that is until after a minor injury to the face required me to have stitches. Only a few weeks before All City Trials, I was unable to make it to practice nor All City Trials. The only event I had left in All City Finals was the four by one relay. It was my most confident event, my relay team had never lost a single race for the whole year and beat a couple varsity teams.
My friends missed the baton at the last pass. Me and my friend became depressed as most people would with victory close at hand. I didn't blame my friends since it was me who couldn't show up to practice. The team supported us by saying that there would be many more chances. To this day I have yet to won an event at All City Finals, but I still train for that one chance when that happens. Over the years I realized that a team is like family, were not just competing alone, but we strive to improve ourselves together.
Use diverse verbs: strong, plain, and/or complex(abstract).
Prompt 1 is predictable and has cliche-topics.
I must pursue the medical field in order to truly have the ability to watch over others. I have to return the favor to my community for what they had done for me.
I like this part and it must be developed little more.
Less explanation on the Alzheimer, more description and YOUR thought on the conclusion/experience/change.
I completely changed up the first prompt and tell me how u guys feel on it along with 2nd prompt
When I was little, I was always watched over by my grandparents whenever my parents were busy. I remember a time when I was little I was jumping on the couch when my knee scraped the zipper of the sofa causing the biggest cut I have ever had. I started crying from the pain and my grandfather immediately grabbed his medical supplies and tended to my wound. He took a really long time tending to my wound and the medicine he put on me made my wound sting. My grandfather's dedication to my well being has taught me that everyone would need the help of others. Ever since then I had helped to those who needed me.
During my summer breaks, I volunteered at a nursing home for Alzheimer's patients. When I was there, there were many residents who were in wheelchairs. One of my first jobs was to make a scrapbook for them to read. As a volunteer I was not able to do any physical labor with the elderly so I was given small jobs such as talking with a few of the residents or playing board games with them.
The year after, there would always be this one elderly who had to be watched over all the time. He would end up falling whenever no one watches over him. I had to create a conversation with him that would distract him doing something that will cause him to fall. He loved dancing but he had poor balance over himself. He had already fallen a few times before I volunteered again, but he couldn't remember the times he had fallen due to his dementia. I knew I couldn't let that happen again. I would feel guilty if he were to ever fall and injure himself because I was unable to do my job. Whenever he stood up, I would hold onto him and talk to him, just to get him to sit down even if he didn't like it. Although he was quite stubborn, his safety was of higher priority to both me and the nurses.
My grandfather's compassion for me when I was hurt and the time he took to help me had laid a lying foundation on treating others just as he did for me. Because of him, I chose to pursue the medical field in order to help others out one way or another. I must treat everyone equally and above all else to help them when they most need it.
