TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental

Dear, here is my brother motivation letter to apply the Bachelor in Energy and Environmental Engineering, as part of requirement together with entrance exam. In the letter, he should include following information:

Why you are applying to degree programme in Energy and Environmental Engineering?
Do you have previous experience from this field?
What is your educational background?
Have you taken any English language test, evaluate your English skills informally.

Please help me and him to check it, Any correction and suggestion are welcome!

When I was small, I have been interested in natural phenomenon such as electricity origin, desertification or environmental pollution. My teacher once suggested me to learn engineering. However, since I thought engineering is all about fixing machines, I did not want to come any further.

Begin a new life as a high school student, my mother always asked me about what subject I like to study in university or what job I like to do in future career. One day I unexpectedly slipped I page of newspaper and read that a farmer invented a new source of energy from sesame. People complimented him on the first page but it seems no further action was taken. I asked my mother the reason why they did not bring this achievement into industrial production. She joked:"This must be done by young generation engineer like you." Maybe that time she only joked but a thought appeared in my mind:"WHY NOT?"

I started to study about what an engineer do in environmental industry. I found that being an environmental engineer, I would be able to construct project for developing new sources for renewable energy, as well as carry out environmental sampling and analysis. Thus, I decided to take Energy and Environmental Engineering as my future career.

For quite a time I have been searching for universities and have found that Finland is the place where my dream will be carried out. Finland is one the leading users of renewable energy in EU and in the near future this area will continue to grow as a global industrial sector.

I am not only going to Finland for studying, but also to achieve advanced knowledge and skills for working towards my personal career goals and international training experience. By applying to Tampere UAS, I will have an opportunity to study in multicultural and multilanguage environment with high modern system university. Furthermore, I will also have a chance to gain a double degree in Germany with good academic performance. With the IELTS 6.5 achieved in summer 2015, I have been well prepared to attend the entrance examination in April 2016, to prove that I have passion and ability to become one of Tampere students.

In a nutshell, all the above reasons lead to the fact that I am eager to join in Tampere UAS. It will provide me with a solid start in life to reach the final frontier of becoming a Environmental Engineer.

Please tell your brother not to start the essay from his childhood. Reviewers have already repeated time and again that they want to hear realistic information about the development of an interest. They do not, for any reason believe that a child will develop an interest in such a complex field that he cannot even pronounce properly at his age. It is best to start the story at the high school level, from the moment he saw the newspaper clipping.

His prior education in high school or in relation to his chosen major is not clearly developed in the essay. I also noticed that he did not respond to the "experience" section of the prompt. If he does not have any work or internship experience in this field then he has to explain why that is so and how he plans to fix that problem leading up to his admission in this major at that university.

More importantly,while he has submitted information about his IELTS test, he did not give a clear evaluation of his English language abilities. He has to evaluate his reading, listening, and writing abilities on an informal tone. So if he can explain that he can carry on a simple English conversation, understand his text books written in English, and write coherent essays, he will have responded to the prompt. A nice touch would be for him to explain how he continues to develop his English language skills even after having taken and passing the IELTS. He has to prove that he is doing what it takes to learn the language that will be used in teaching his classes.

This letter cannot be submitted to the admissions team at all. He has to revise the content to better reflect the prompt requirements. He wrote a personal statement without considering the questions that he is expected to respond to. So the letter falls short on delivering the necessary and expected information to the reviewer.