Teacher Crush
It would be so easy to lie and say that I learned to play the guitar as a small child, discovering within myself a natural gift. Perhaps my parents forced me to take lessons when I was young, and I just stuck with it. The truth, however, is that I decided to pursue the hobby at age 14 based on my crush on the music teacher.
At an already challenging age, I was struggling with much more than what my 14 year old self could handle. What with my divorced (and hardly-interacting) parents, two sisters to whom I could not be nice to, no matter how hard I tried, and the seemingly never-ending depression, anxiety and paranoia that possessed my life, I was a wreck. Courtesy of my ever-present, depression-driven mood swings, I was always very 'up', or very 'down'. I was guilty of making unhealthy and often dangerous decisions, subconsciously destroying relationships as quickly as they formed, and becoming passionate about and obsessed with the most ridiculous things and ideas. My crush on Mr. Music Teacher was exactly that. After confiding in one or two (or seven) people about my 'feelings', it rapidly escalated; I eventually convinced myself that I was in love with him. I didn't even take music class. Much to my luck, Mr. Music Teacher was also the computing teacher; needless to say, I sat in the front row and became very good at computing. I learned to create simple animations and type without looking; skills I never would have mastered had the teacher lacked my undivided attention.
In class one afternoon, Mr. Music Teacher looked at me with a very serious expression on his face, and said "I heard something about you". I cannot explain the speed at which my heart began to thump in this moment. Which of my scandalous rumors or stupid decisions had he heard about? All I felt was panic. "I hear you have a beautiful voice. Why didn't you tell me you were a singer?". The relief was a kind I had never experienced. It was then that it occurred to me: all I needed to do to get his attention was become musically talented.
Though always a musical person, always listening to music and singing in the shower, I would never have imagined that anyone could use my name and the words 'good singer' in one sentence; unless that sentence also included 'not'. However, my sister owned a guitar, so my new goal was to learn how to play. I somehow convinced the Head of the Music Department to let me transfer into music class - turns out she was the one who had told Mr. Music Teacher that I could sing. During my first day in the class I learned the basic chords on a guitar, and from there I was hooked. I played all day and all night, I watched YouTube videos to teach myself my favorite songs, and attempted to write my own melodies; I had found, for the first time in my life, something I really loved.
Though it sounds like typical teenager self-doubt, there was never anything I was good at until I began to play the guitar. Finding a personal happiness, as simple as it was, inspired me. I was finally able to start looking for help to treat the depression that had haunted my life for years; I could now clearly see a life without it. I learned that I didn't have to constantly be the center of attention in order to be happy. I didn't need to make the bad decisions that made me stand out from the crowd (not in a good way). I didn't need to push away everyone who got to know me; they weren't all going to hurt me. I only needed one thing, it was simple: an inappropriate, now embarrassing, teacher crush.
