Hey, I didn't spend a very long time on this one, but I can't think of any changes I should make(even though I know it sucks >.<). All critics welcome. Please help me!
If you were to delay going to college for one year, what would you do with this time? And, what would you hope to gain from that experience?
If I were to delay going to college for a year, I would spend that year trying to make the world a better and brighter place. I have been active in community service for two years, and the satisfaction gained from each experience is both priceless and irreplaceable. I believe that helping others in the community, whether it is yours or someone else's, is very important to this world. It inspires morality, gratefulness, and it brings people together in a way that can never be forgotten.
Although there are many ways that one can contribute to the community, there is one thing I am good at: The Art of Encouragement. If I could do anything in a year without college, I would try my hardest to instill hope in others. I want to help those who are experiencing adversity and hardships to know that they are not alone in this world, and that they can gain the courage to live another day. Sure, I could donate my hair or my kidney to the American Cancer Society, but we tend to forget those who simply want someone to talk to, someone to say, "Don't worry, I've been there. We can get through this together." People who have experienced child abuse, abuse drugs, or even those innocent lives who are being forced into prostitution all need guidance, a place where they can seek refuge. That is my goal. I may not have the wealth to donate to the poor, but I have the time and patience to give a helping hand to those who have fallen and help them get back on their feet with the hope and encouragement that they require.
How I would go about offering my helping hand would be dictated by where I was living, how much money I had for transportation, and how many other responsibilities I would have at home. As the first born child in a family of five, with three children in all, I am responsible for taking care of my two siblings who were unexpectedly diagnosed with cerebral palsy. To this day, they lack the ability to walk, talk, use the restroom, or even feed themselves. Thus, I have had to assist them for the majority of my life while struggling to maintain my role as a student. I felt a great pressure and even some anger towards my situation, which gradually led to my feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty towards their futures and my own. Reading and listening to the success stories of other people and their lives' obstacles, I have realized that life is truly unpredictable, and not everything that takes place is guaranteed to be permanent. Seeing my brother and sister improve little by little each day with the simple words of motivation given by my family and me has taught me that they can be helped to succeed, and I am filled with much more hope, both for them and for the world. I see from first-hand experience that I can make a difference in the lives of others.
Charles Dickens once pointed out that "no one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." Therefore, I would like to make my existence a useful one by encouraging others, regardless of how I do it. Hope has played an extremely important role in my life, and I want those who need it the most to share it.
If I wasto delay going to college for a year, I would spend it trying to make the world a better place.
I would want to help those experiencing adversity to know that they are not alone in this world and that they can gain the courage to live another day.
Persons who have experienced child abuse, abuse drugs or are forced into prostitution all (dont say events need guidance, people do.) need guidance, a place where they can find refuge.
Two words... WONDERFUL ESSAY!!! Cant believe this is a first draft. NO WAY!!! lol. Good luck dude. Just a little more help from yourself and others and this baby is SET!
Omg! Thanks for being my first critic! I finally see what I need to add. Thanks a million ^^
Your welcome. :D Anytime. If you do anything more to it and you want, I can review it for you. You seem like an excellent writer. If possible, you could also comment on my University of Wisconsin essays.
Sure! =)
Take that whole first paragraph, and condense it into one sentence that you will put at the front of the second paragraph. Does that make sense? Much of it is unnecessary, so you can replace it with one powerful intro sentence that refers directly to the question about how you would spend the time.
You might consider using the last line as the first line. That would be a great sentence to start with!!
Honestly, sorry to break it to you but ummm... You kinda didn't need to do 8 drafts WITH AN ESSAY AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE!!! LOl. The first one is waaaaaaaay better. The version below is my first help with a little tweaking using Kevin's comments. Ask your friends what they think of this version compared to the your 8 million times drafted one and see what they think. This is it...
That first sentence is still a little weak. Just change a few sentences to say things that are more specific. How about:
If I was to delay going to college for a year, I would make a practice of improving the world by (say something very specific).
(Some specific kind of service work) inspires morality and gratitude while bringing people together in a way that can never be forgotten.
ok, here's my problem =(
The thing is, I know what I want to say, but i just know don't how to incorporate it into my essay =(. I feel totally lost.
My point in the essay is that although there are many ways you can contribute to helping the community, there is one thing that I am good at, and that is listening and caring. But the more I described that, the more it made me so like a destined psychologist >.< and that is NOT what I'm going for. I wanted to emphasize that "hope" truly is a powerful thing.
I also thought about telling how it has played an important role in my life, but that always led me to go waaaay off topic. And in the end, I awalys kept sayiing "If it weren't for 'hope'...blahblahblah..." It was sooooo boring.
Also, I tried to add specifics, like u said. I thought of the different ways I could give others hope...but, there are waaay too many. i.e. Teenage life help hotlines, guidance counselors, psychologists. But none of them TRULY stand out. That is why I reverted back to being general. -.- PLEASE! Help me once more! T.T Is there a way I can tell them state that encouraging ppl is what I want to do, regardless of how I do it?
Pretty good begging.
the last sentece is very strong!
What a powerful opening line!!
Encouraging people is what I want to do, regardless of how I do it.
What a brilliant, compelling thing to read! I would want to continue to read. And what's this now, you say:
Although there are many ways you can contribute to helping the community, there is one thing that I am good at: listening and caring.
Wow, it sounds like you ARE supposed to be a psychologist, ha ha! Are you sure that you do not want to spend your days counseling kids, adults, police officers, entire families, and so forth? It would be great! And you would be great. And guess what, your writing is already great as long as you strip away everything that is not YOU. That means it has to come from the heart, with no extra words.
One more thing: eliminate ambiguity. Ambiguity is the opposite of specificity! :) That is why I said, get specific. You do more than listen and care. Those are ambuguous, and actually they are 2 different things. What do you really mean? You mean the Art of Encouragement! That is what I am trying to do for you, and it is also what seems to be your calling. Do not say "listen" and "care."
Although there are many ways you can contribute to helping the community, there is one thing that I am good at: The Art of Encouragement.
Will that inspire you? You last post inspired me. It came from the heart in the way an essay should, and those two lines I discussed above came from it! Good luck with your leadership. Please check out the EF Contributor page.
OMG! Thank you, sir! That truly did inspire me! Of course I wan't my essay to come from the heart. I had a huge discussion with my AP Lang teacher and she helped me put this together.
