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Tell us about who you are; I have the will and patience it takes to make a strong individual.


saatvik7 1 / 1  
Oct 3, 2020   #1

Tell us about who you are.


How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you?


My parents say that I don't give up and I have the will and patience it takes to make a strong individual. Someone who is mature than the age might suggest, who can sit down in a family discussion and give constructive solutions to everyday family problems. They would also say that I am a third parent to my brother who picks him up from daycare everyday, helps him study and teaches him new concepts.

To my friends, I am a willing helper. Always there for them whenever they need me, helping them with homework, supporting them through tough times. They would also describe me as an approachable leader as I often plan for our player basketball and football practices, and make study group plans while keeping everyone's need and schedules in mind. often encouraging them to come practice or study.

Hi, this is what I have so far, please send some constructive critique below.

thank you

fatmajanna 6 / 10  
Oct 3, 2020   #2
I would suggest that you should use formal style of writing.

For example:

don't give up should be do not give up

. often encouraging should have capital O >> . Often

Grammatically can be improved:

more mature than

our player basketball and ...

you tend to use sentences without subject. For examples: Always there for them. Often encouraging.
I suggest that you use complete sentence structure with Subject and Verb / to be as the least component.

Content-wise, it is quite nice and you describe yourself from many perspectives which tell us who you really are.
You also show your value from the things that you have done towards others. This is really interesting and makes us want to know more about you.

May I know how long you should write based on the given instructions?

I think you can elaborate more especially on your community perspectives about you. You can tell, for example you join an extracurricular activity or a tech community. How are you involved in this community and how they describe you.

Overall, it is really nice and I hope you can keep improving your writing. Well done.
OP saatvik7 1 / 1  
Oct 4, 2020   #3
@fatmajanna
My parents say that I do not give up and I have the will and patience it takes to make a strong individual. Someone who is more mature than the age might suggest, who can sit down in a family discussion and give constructive solutions to everyday family problems. They would also say that I am a third parent to my brother who picks him up from daycare everyday, helps him study and teaches him new concepts.

For my friends, they would say I am always there for them whenever they need me, helping them with homework; staying after school to help them understand new concepts. They would also describe me as a hard worker because they tell me that I am always studying or practicing football, basketball or going out to run.

The one community member that knows me really well is Herv, a coordinator at the Langley boys and girls club. To him I am a disciplined leader because I volunteer at the club, carrying out tasks with the kids and fellow leaders, always promoting a fun environment. He would also say that I am always on time or I let him know beforehand that I will be late. He also says I take initiatives to be a part of the community. An example of that would be the time I emailed him asking to run a small camp during the summer for the kids since they were not able to do any activities during the quarantine.

this is my updated essay. unfortunately i was not able to include the part about what i feel the most proud of because the word limit is 250 words and I am already at 249
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,732 3069  
Oct 4, 2020   #4
The essay asks you to choose between your friends or community for the second description regarding how other people view you. Therefore, your essay should present the stronger opinion in the discussion. Pick one. The current presentation regarding your friends opinion of who you are isn't as strong as the one about the community member. It would be better if you use your family description along with the one from Herv because that creates a personal opinion of who you are based on a community setting. What makes it strong is that you are discussing how someone from a community club, a social club, describes you. That means, it shows how you function in a social setting. That is what makes it influential in this presentation. It gives the reviewer an idea of how you might function as a college student in a community setting.


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