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"Terps are diverse" University of Maryland-College Park/Diversity Essay/Outsider



kerry2654 13 / 37  
Oct 22, 2015   #1
This is just a draft of the main ideas I want to talk about since I'm stuck on how to approach things next. Thank you in advance!

University of Maryland - College Park
Word Count: 457

Terps are diverse. They bring intellectual, social and cultural differences to our community. Describe the different parts of you which will contribute to our diverse campus community (500 words)

I am not the model Congolese daughter. Never perfect in my domestic duties. Social views more liberal than conservative. Interpretation of Christianity contradicts my learning. My parents informed me that these ideals weren't a pleasant reflection on their parenting. Both in our culture and their positions as pastors, image is everything. I was pressured to succumb to their traditional values. It seemed as if I was living a double life, one for my parents and the other for myself. This internal conflict made me miserable as I fought to be my own person on a daily basis.

I am not seen as black. My playlist consists of top 40 radio. I read for pleasure often. The majority of my speech isn't African-American Vernacular English. Growing up in a gifted program as the only black girl had consequences; transitioning to a middle school as one of many, I stuck out through my style, mannerisms, and interests. To others, I was an "Oreo", a black person seen as white. It was a foreign concept as I believed that appearance was the only qualification for blackness. Either way, I denied my blackness as I claimed that I was African and not black.

I spent my adolescence feeling displaced until my sophomore year. My African-American History teacher educated us beyond the curriculum about race and social issues. Educating myself further on these issues was the first step to defining my individuality. I learned how to assert myself through new passion in my beliefs. By rejecting racial stereotypes, I embraced my African heritage and Black-American identity.

Now, I incorporate my Congolese values of identity and maturity with an open mindset that allows me to accept individuality. Being a part of multiple communities allowed me to recognize and respect other cultures.

This is important because my initiative would allow me to broadcast acceptance at the University of Maryland-College Park. My plan during my undergraduate years is to to implement programs on campus that recognizes and projects marginalized groups' opinions and belief. I will accomplish such through a Rise Above grant and the Diversity Advisory Council. I know the experience of exclusion, and I will make it my goal to further inclusion at school. Also, I confidently express myself and my beliefs, a trait not everyone possesses, and I'll help others do so.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 22, 2015   #2
Kerry, I like the introduction that you wrote. It provides an excellent overview of the discussion the essay will present in the succeeding parts. However, the introduction does not really represent the immediate needs of the prompt. It is just a way of you to introduce the reviewer to your background. I believe that is an unnecessary summary of the essay since you are over the word count at the moment. If you remove that opening statement, you will fall under the word limit.That should be your goal at the moment. Just get the important information out there without being too flowery with your words.

I know that most people will say you need a "hook" to reel in your reader. As a hook, your introduction does not really portray an effective response to the prompt. Your currently second paragraph, which just talks directly about the prompt requirement does a better job of offering a "hook" for your essay.

Paragraph 4 and 5 seem to be in direct contradiction of one another. How can you feel displaced in school and yet have an open mindset? I think you need to show how the open mindset stemmed from being displaced. That way when you say that you know about the experience of exclusion, you can connect it to the open mindset directly. I paragraph 4, you only discussed coming to term with your heritage. So adding a line or two about learning to be accepting of the difference of other people helped you develop an open mind should fit perfectly in that paragraph :-)

Since this is a draft on your part, I will just limit my suggestions to certain topics. I am sure your essay will still change in content and form so I will wait for the second draft before making any further comments :-)
OP kerry2654 13 / 37  
Oct 23, 2015   #3
Thank you for your help! I realized how confusing I was being in the later paragraphs.
vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 23, 2015   #4
Hi Kerry :-) I love this new version of your essay. It is more focused and collected in terms of your thoughts and emotions. I have a few comments and suggestions, as well as grammar corrections to your essay once again. I believe these are necessary in the polishing process :-)
justivy03 - / 2265  
Oct 25, 2015   #5
Kerry, I agree that the revision you made is a well written one.
However, I have a few inputs for the last 2 paragraphs of the essay.

- Now, I incorporate my Congolese values

- I will accomplish suchthese goals through

There you have it Kerry, I hope this helps.
The last two paragraphs were my focus as they are the ones that needs further enhancement, honestly the conclusion or your final sentences didn't really have much of an impact to me but I believe they answered what the prompt is asking you to fulfill.


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