Texas Common application- someone who impacted...

This is last minute but thank you for any opinions or advice that you offer. I find this essay a little redundant, and the conclusion seems rushed.

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Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

I remember my brother asked me once, "Should I sell my +8 legendary golden staff for 350 million penya?" It frustrated me so much that my brother can play games, procrastinate, sleep, and still get over a 95 on his AP classes. Here I was, trying to study for an economics exam while he was enjoying his time. It makes it worse that he is my twin brother. Twins are supposed to be the same in every aspect! We are not alike at all, we are polar opposites. However, despite my irritation, he is my greatest rival or the "final boss" in his words. He is my adversary and my motivation to beat.

All my life I have been looking at my brother's back, literally. He was born first, his baptism first, his communion first, his confirmation first, his awards first, and his recognition first. He always came first in everything and always better than me, which agitated me. How I envied him as I saw my achievement shoved to the side to make room for my brother's. I remember showing my fastidious father that I made a 92 in my AP World History class. Then along came my brother with his 99. Elated my father was! Casting aside my report card, my father bolstered his achievement as my brother became the talk of the dinner. My grade, my 96 was belittled by my father as he said, "You need to work on that."

I have always known that though, but my envy and pride would not let that stand. The jealously bug bit me one too many, and he became my motivation to beat. I imagined the time when I finally could beat him in something. I imagined a day were I could beat him and finally say "Ha Ha! I finally did better than you." That day never came. I was always chasing after him, and as I got close enough to reach him with my stretched arm, he would just zoom further away. He was the roadrunner, and I was the cunning coyote, stirring up mischievous thoughts to stop him

Eventually as time quickly lingered on, my envy subsided and reverence came to replace it. I came to idolize my brother more and more, and believe that I should surpass him because of my own strength instead of spite. During my junior and senior year I began to notice something. I was more focused, and more reliable. Although my grades slightly improved, I felt better. Some will say it was because I matured because my experience in high school. I like to believe it was my motivation to defeat my brother that changed me. Every time he surpassed me, I subconsciously accepted his achievements. I began to view his accomplishments now in a more of a positive view. Although I still do chuckle in the rare moments that I beat him.

Now I see myself a step closer reaching him. The senior version of me is different than my sophomore self. My brother is still the same as he was. He still plays his games, but he is the one who has impacted my life. His is my motivation.

The main problem with this essay is that it doesn't seem to have much of a point. You focus fairly heavily in the beginning on how you were always in your brother's shadow. Then you say at the end of your essay that you eventually just accepted that he was better than you. This does answer the prompt, but it doesn't really tell the reader much about you, or give the admission officers a strong reason to admit you. Perhaps you could revise the essay to focus on how your rivalry with your brother caused you to improve by constantly striving to catch him?

I remember My brother asked me once, "Should I sell my +8 legendary golden staff for 350 million penya?"

"I remember" seems too cliche' for the opening sentence. Sean is right, you need to say more about how that competition motivated you to push yourself harder.

:)

For that matter, you could just start with ""Should I sell my +8 legendary golden staff for 350 million penya?" which is an interesting sentence that hooks the reader. You could then mention that the speaker was your brother, and perhaps mention that the question annoyed you because you were in the middle of studying for a final exam, or something along those lines.

hey , I'm applying for the same university too through applytexas.com ; however , there is no essay requirements.. i mean after you submit the application do they send a supplemental form or what exactly. ?