'The only thing left was the future' - AN ASIAN GIRL GOING TO COLLEGE essay

FRESHMAN PROMPT
I don't have a story about the tragedy of losing a parent, or being forced to support myself as a teenager. Instead, I have lived in the most stable and healthy environment that any teenager could possibly grow up in. My dad works a 9-5 job and my mom spends most of her time being a modern day housewife. My dad works to give me the Mac book that I'm typing this with, the brand name clothes that are a "must-have," and of course the smart phone with the unlimited texting plan. I have lived in this suburban bubble for 17 years, where the biggest issue I had was not having a license. So this past month, when my dad was sued for the company that he had nurtured and grown for over twenty years, the suburban bubble that I was so accustomed to suddenly disappeared.

As my dad explained to me that he had lost his company, I could not help but think, "What's going to happen to me?" Selfish- yes, but coming from someone that has been sheltered her whole life; it was a natural thought to have amidst the chaos that erupted inside the home that I have lived in for seventeen years. In those seventeen years, it was the first time that I saw my dad cry. He was, and still is my family's rock, our protector, and our provider. Those tears did not just come from losing something that he had worked so hard to build, but they also came from places of regret, disappointment, and fear for the future.

After all the tears subsided, the only thing that was left was the future- the one thing that we were all the most scared of because it was so uncertain. Most people at the age of 54 would crumble at the thought of starting fresh, but my dad saw this as an opportunity to do something better with his life. Now, my dad is moving on from the job that has supported an entire family of four and is moving to Korea to pursue other ventures and start a new chapter in his life. I never thought that I would have much in common with my dad, in terms of life goals. But this experience affected both of us. With college approaching next fall, starting a new beginning in my life seemed incredibly intimidating; especially since I have been living in my little "suburban bubble" for all my life. But seeing my dad starting over at an age where life seems like a routine, it gives me the courage to face college and my future straight on. I will be faced with new challenges and new successes; and I am perfectly ready for this new beginning.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your essay and the story you told. I come from the same place as you, and I can understand what you're going through. I also believe that you did a good job with not flaunting your ease of life or making it seem like a negative thing. With that said, there are some grammatical errors that give off a meaning different from what you intended. Here's my grammar markup:

I don't have a story about the tragedy of losing a parent, or being forced to support myself as a teenager. Instead, I have lived in the most stable and healthy environment that any teenager could possibly grow up in. My dad works a 9-5 job and my mom spends most of her time being a modern day housewife. My dad works to give me the Mac B ook that I'm typing this with, the brand name clothes that are a "must-have,"(I would cut this because it might give off an impression of "material needs," which might not be appealing, but always your choice) and of course the smart phone with the unlimited texting plan. I have lived in this suburban bubble for 17(spell out "seventeen") years, where the biggest issue I had was not having a license. So this past month when my dad was sued for the company that he had nurtured and grown for over twenty years this past month , the suburban bubble that I was so accustomed to suddenly disappeared("popped" might be more appropriate. Because...you know. Bubble? Popping...) .

As my dad explained to me that he had lost his company, I could not help but think, "What's going to happen to me?" I was selfish. However, coming from someone that has been sheltered her whole life;, it was a natural thought to have amidst the chaos that erupted inside the home that I have lived in for seventeen years(You've already said this. Perhaps "home that I once thought safe") . In those seventeen years, itIt was the first time that I saw my dad cry. He was, and still is, my family's rock.He has always been our protector, and our provider. Those tears did not just come from losing something that he had worked so hard to build, but they. They also came from places of regret, disappointment, and fear for the future.

After all the tears(grief or fear maybe?) subsided, the only thing that was(too wordy) left was the future- the one thing that we were all the most scared of because it was so uncertain. Most people at the age of 54 would crumble at the thought of starting fresh, but my dad saw this as an opportunity to do something better with his life. Now, my dad is moving on from the job that has supported an entire family of four and is moving to Korea to pursue other ventures and start a new chapter in his life. I never thought that I would have much in common with my dad, in terms of life goals. But this experience affected both of us. With college approaching next fall, starting a new beginning in my life seemed incredibly intimidating;, especially since I have been living in my little "suburban bubble" for all of my life. ButS eeing my dad starting over at an age where life seems like a routine, it gives me the courage to face college and my future straight on. I will be faced with new challenges and new successes;, and I am perfectly ready for this new beginning.

So, once again, good job! My philosophy on semi-colons is when in doubt, DON'T USE THEM. They are viscious things that you really won't need (the semi-colon and myself are enemies). Just remember that my markup is by no means the only thing you should consider, nor is it something you should consider at all if you disagree. It is your essay. Write it as yourself. All of my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Good luck with applications and remember that you're doing very well!

Thank you so much! Your suggestions definitely made my essay more polished.

I'm glad they helped! Just make sure to have plenty of other people read it and give more advice. Different points of view can really give you an idea about what kind of image you give off.