Thrill interspersed with some doubts - CSID application

im having trouble choosing fancy words to make my essays sound mature. review

Essay Topic # 5
Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above by explaining what your goals were, the role you played, and what you learned in the process. (Maximum 200 words)

When I first found out about the opening of a volunteering position at CSID I was instantaneously thrilled but at the same time doubtful. Thrilled by the thought of being able to help and spend time with the unfortunate children with all sorts of disability, doubtful about my capability to get along with them since I've never dealt with anything like this before.

Initially I wanted to visit the slum areas twice a month and spend the weekend getting to know their lives. I wanted to build a sense of trust. By assisting the senior workers with demonstrating social safeguard actions and giving them knowledge about the government and its plans for underprivileged kids such as 'child budgeting' I realized I wanted to visit them more therefore I made weekly visits.

Apart from the serious work, the children and volunteers spend afternoons singing, dancing and reciting. I was amazed by the talent present there. It was truly an enlightening experience. Saying goodbye to the kids was really tough. I can honestly say, and my colleagues can vouch for this, I have become so much more grateful and still learning to be happy with little in life.

Shuprova, you need to make sure that you respond to each aspect of the prompt in your essay. You never actually relayed the rest of the prompt requirements in your essay because you somehow got stuck discussing point one and two of the prompt. So the learning process in the essay was not totally represented. If you review your current version, you spent most of the essay explaining, what your goals and role was. When it came to the lesson learned, you hit a blank wall. There was no lesson learned, only an experience gained. So you were not able to fully respond to the prompt but, you did sound convincing when it came to wanting to help the children and your dedication to your role really came across to the reader.

Hi Shuprova,

Outlining the essay like below might help to see the missing parts:

The activity: "to help and spend time with the unfortunate children with all sorts of disability, doubtful about my capability to get along with them since I've never dealt with anything like this before."

Your goals:"Initially I wanted to visit the slum areas twice a month and spend the weekend getting to know their lives. I wanted to build a sense of trust. By assisting the senior workers with demonstrating social safeguard actions and giving them knowledge about the government and its plans for underprivileged kids such as 'child budgeting' I realized I wanted to visit them more therefore I made weekly visits."

The role you played: I think this part is missing. What was your role, position, title during this activity?

What you learned in the process: The last paragraph should mention what you have learned from the activity. But as you will notice yourself, you went back and explained the activity itself, and finally how you enjoyed it. But there is no clear statement about what you "learned"

Apart from the serious work, the children and volunteers spend afternoons singing, dancing and reciting. I was amazed by the talent present there. It was truly an enlightening experience. Saying goodbye to the kids was really tough. I can honestly say, and my colleagues can vouch for this, I have become so much more grateful and still learning to be happy with little in life.

I do apologize if my suggestion may inappropriate due to lack of writing skill ability.

1. Last sentence in the first paragraph (I've never dealt with anything like this before). I guess that it would be better if you did not use contraction "I've" being "I have" for essay as formal writing

2. first sentence in the second (Initially I wanted to visit the slum areas twice a month and spend the weekend getting to know their lives) for past moment you have to use verb 2 "spend" becomes "spent"

3. spend again maybe