"Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement

Hi people! This is my final draft of the UPenn supplement essay.
I'm going to submit this soon( like within a few hours) so i need some quick touch ups/ advice
Please be brutally honest with me thanks! Ur help is much appreciated!:)

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

"Here's a toast to dear old Penn!"

It was during my research of USA universities that I stumbled upon an article about the University of Pennsylvania. From the article I learnt about UPenn's unique tradition, where students sing "Drink a High Ball," and as the last sentence "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" is sung, they shower the playing field with flying burnt toast. It was this bordering-on-crazy tradition that showed me another side of UPenn, and I love that side.

Benjamin Franklin, founder of UPenn, thought education should be for the body as well as for the soul--that it should enable a graduate to be a breadwinner as well as a thinker, that it should produce socially conscious citizens as well as conscientious bankers and traders. I couldn't agree more as that is exactly how I want to be after my college education. Not only do I want to be intellectually equipped, I also want to have a fun and meaningful educational experience at UPenn.

I have always been interested in people. I love observing human behaviour as well as different cultures and civilisations. Studying anthropology will be a dream come true for me as I will finally have a chance to learn all about the human diversity. Being one of the top-notch schools in the United States, what UPenn has to offer me as an Anthropology major is unlimited. I hope one day I can intern at the Penn museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, and take part in the many exhibitions to come. I am particularly interested in the upcoming exhibition-Secrets of the Silk Road (history of the western China), because my ancestors were originally from the western China as well. From the research I have done, current UPenn students have stated that while professors at UPenn take their research responsibilities seriously, they are surprisingly accessible .Moreover, large amount of studying materials can be easily found at the UPenn's library, which houses more than 3 million volumes of books. Given the committed teaching faculty and copious resources, I believe that education at UPenn would be enriching and comprehensive. I am keen to join the Undergraduate Anthropology Society as well, where I can socialise and learn from like-minded people.

Benjamin Franklin also believed that service to humanity is "the great aim and end of learning." I truly believe so as well. I have been consistently doing volunteer work over the years in Singapore, and I wish to continue this habit at UPenn. Servicing the people who need help brings about a better society and a better me. Hence, I was thrilled to find out that UPenn offers a wide variety of volunteer opportunities, and I am especially interested in the "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" programme. What the project aims to do - making a difference, is what I've always aspire to do in all of my previous volunteer works. No matter how big or small the contribution is, to make a positive difference in someone else's life is lasting and may change the course of the person's life. Furthermore, I have always been interested in teaching younger children. From teaching troubled teenagers in Singapore to teaching English in Cambodia, the lessons I have learnt from my students are invaluable. Servicing the community is truly is the great aim and end of learning.

What UPenn has to offer is what I have always wanted in a school: strong academics, a robust and bonded student body, and opportunity for me to make a difference. The University of Pennsylvania is just the right place for me.

Your opening lines are, in my opinion, very weak; implying that Penn is the only Ivy League school with "school spirit" couldn't be further from the truth. It's nice that you are aware of some of Penn's quirky traditions, but there's really no need to highlight such a experience unless you can use to present yourself in a better light.

That being said, I think that the rest of your essay is very good. You clearly communicate why you intend to pursue Anthropology and you also demonstrate your active interests in Penn.

Thanks for ur advice!Yeah i know my opening is a little off but i think the tradition sorts of brings out what UPenn is-- the social ivy. I became interested in UPenn after reading that article because i actually really like the quirky tradition? i'm in a dillemma now:( Should i change my intro? any other opinions?

and BTW the instruction on commonapp is one page(~500 words)n i have 590 words here. so shld i cut the essay？

First of all, Penn being the "social ivy" is not synonymous with it having the most school spirit. The two are very different.

You should think about it like this. Literally every single person applying to Penn can cite the social scene as being why they are won over by the school. It is a universally overused topic that you should avoid at all costs. The smart and successful applicants are the ones that pick an area of interest that applies only to a very small amount of kids and write about that instead. Anthropology is a topic very conducive to such an approach, and I advise you to make your essay more, for the lack of a better term, original.

Yeah that makes sense i guess! yeah okay i'll see what i can do abt the intro. I was thinking maybe using the second paragraph as the intro instead?

Thanks for ur help!:) Anyone else?

Hi i need some quick feedback here! is it okay to have 600 words when they say ard 500 words?
This is the final final draft of UPenn supplment. Can someone remove the essay above?
Revised edition:

... and opportunity for me to make a difference. The University of Pennsylvania is just the right place for me.

^is the red coloured part really cheesy?

Haha, yeah I would take that red part out. It is redundant. You already expressed that UPenn is "the place for you" by stating it has all the aspects you wanted in a school.

I would say:

What UPenn has to offer is what I have always wanted in a school: strong academics, and a robust and bonded student body. UPenn will not only provide me with a rich education, but also give opportunity for me to make a difference in the world around me.

That way you have a closer that isn't so...cheesy xD

I'd still maybe edit the "and I love that side" - although better than what you had before, this makes it sound kind-of like all you care about is crazy traditions and having fun... which is good (and undoubtedly true for more college students than admissions officers will ever know), but you definitely want to make yourself sound like a student Penn would want to have.

Ok i have submitted my Penn essay! Thanks everyonefor ur help! and good luck