'together like a huge family' - Admissions ubc

honghanh763 2 / 5

Nov 26, 2012 #1

I need some help with my essay,iam not sure about my grammar and the connection between two sentences...Could someone help me to make it better,need some feedback about my essay too.i really appreciated .

Question : tell us about experience ,in school or out ,that caused you to rethink or change your perspective what impact has this on you? Maximum 200 words

I still remember the excitement and nervousness of my first visit to suburban orphanage in moon festival as clearly as if it happened yesterday, but it was exactly three years from now. At 8 o'clock in that morning, I and my friends with a lot of presents such as: clothes , moon cakes, especially lantern which were bought by our saving money, gathered at meeting place ready for the trip . From the moment,we got there, all the teachers and children were waiting in the front yard to welcome us. Subsequently, we divided all the gifts into smaller pieces for each kid,I and some friends had the responsibility of dressing children with our new clothes . After making good appearance for kids, however, it was almost time so everyone joined hand to place the meaningful cake in order to celebrate the special festival in time. When the full moon rose ,we all got together like a huge family to enjoy the beauty of the moon ,the flavor of moon cake,the kids were chasing around and singing typical song with brilliant lantern in their hand . At that period, I had for the first time found what true sympathy is.

About 200 words

dumi 1 / 6793

Nov 26, 2012 #2

Hi honghanh763,

quote=honghanh763]I still remember the excitement and nervousness of my first visit to suburban orphanage in moon festival ~~as clearly as~~ if it happened yesterday,[/quote]

as if it happened yesterday means that you remember it very clearly.... so that part becomes redundant... Sounds better without it!

At 8 o'clock in that morning, I and my friends with a lot of presents such as: clothes , moon cakes, especially lantern which were bought by our saving money, gathered at meeting place ready for the trip .

We, I and my friends, were ready for the trip by eight in the morning that day. We had many presents; clothes, moon cakes and especially the lantern which we bought with our savings

OP honghanh763 2 / 5

Nov 27, 2012 #3

Thanks dumi,
but I want to add more emotion ,only 200 words,I can't make it shorter ,if I do that I lost some details in my essay

What do u think about my essay? Is it lack of something?

dumi 1 / 6793

Nov 27, 2012 #4

I think it lacks the answer to what sort of impact it made on your perspective. Who are these children? Orphans or disabled children? You describe the event in detail, but that is not the most important thing. You need to tell them how this experience impacted your way of thinking. I feel you better re-do this. I will help you with its flow and word count. Do a fresh one without thinking too much on the word count and post it here. Then we'll try to match the count. Also avoid every little detail of the event such as time, friends , teachers all that.... come out more with the emotions : )

OP honghanh763 2 / 5

Nov 28, 2012 #5

Oh my god , it totally changes,,sound better... Thank u so much ,dumi

dumi 1 / 6793

Nov 30, 2012 #6

Okkkkkkkkkk.... I'll do it for you : )
But, before doing that I want to highlight a few grammar mistakes you've done above;

,I admitted that I was lost with my basic of pP hysics ,

hard -workinghardworking and also ~~patient~~patience will help you to overcome anything

... hardworking is one word :)

Also, for me to help you with this prompt, I want to understand better what you mean by these lines;

Until I reached grade 12 ,I realized that I had to gain all the knowledge which I missed before. The reason was that in this grade , physic was not include in one respect anymore, but now we need to know all the aspect of basic from grade 6 to 11. The other reason is that I wanted to have the best result for having a chance go to university.

Do you mean that Physics was not a mandatory subject until grade 12? I don't get a clear idea as to what you mean... Quickly explain that to me so that I can help you today : )