'Cancer affects a huge number of people' University of Florida Admissions Essay

UF College Admissions Essay
For most of my life I was absolutely clueless about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was always changing my mind depending on whatever I was experiencing at the time. I have always wanted to do something in the medical field but I was never sure just what I wanted to be. All I knew was that I loved learning about people and animals and science was generally my favorite subject. My mind was finally made up in the beginning of my senior year when I encountered something that changed my heart. Pre-med is the road I have decided to take and oncology will be my destination.

Cancer affects a huge number of people every day and I have had many first hand experiences with it. My grandfather, Jerry, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer approximately 2 years ago. He had been an avid smoker his whole life so it wasn't exactly surprising information, it was nevertheless, very upsetting. In previous visits to my grandparent's home in Kentucky he had always been a fun guy sitting in his TV room chair playing any type of instrument you sat in front of him and baking strange concoctions of food (mostly putting together all the leftovers and calling it something else). During our last visit with him I expected the same results as usual but maybe just a more tired version of my grandfather. The shock that hit when I arrived to find him hooked to medical machines and confined to a hospital bed was at the very least severe. I watched as the cancer took him from his usual chair, to his in home hospital bed, to his bed at the hospital in just the short time span of 2 weeks.

My family has been affected by cancer in many ways; it has touched us in many of its terrible forms and left behind a devastating aftermath on the people I love. I have experienced many types of cancer, whether it was my Aunt Faye's breast cancer, my Aunt Peg's brain tumor, or my Uncle Arthur's multiple stomach tumors. Dealing with all of these cancer cases gives me a complete reassurance in my decision on oncology. I want to help people that have to deal with this disease and hopefully cure them. I want to prevent them from having to watch their loved ones slowly disintegrate in front of them as I have.

After witnessing the rapid decline of my family member's health I became very interested in the subject of oncology. I'm fascinated by the mechanics of cancer; it's insane to me that something so miniscule can have such a dramatic effect on the human body and that the human body can sabotage itself. I know that being an oncologist takes a strong person with the ability to block out the pain of losing many patients and this is a quality that I possess. It is very easy for me to cope with loss and be able to move on and continue to efficiently live my life. I am very good at remaining calm in times of panic and have been able to fix many situations due to this.

Losing my family members to cancer has given me a clear desire. The loss of them will affect my college experience by giving me complete devotion to the field I love. I know that in order to become an oncologist I will need to be a responsible and exceptional student, which is something that I am very willing to do. It has also become clear to me that going to the University of Florida will make my dream of becoming an oncologist into a reality.

This is my essay, does anyone have any suggestions on how i can make it better possibly?

I have always wanted to do something in the medical field, but I was never sure just what I wanted to be.

All I knew was that I loved learning about people and animals, and science was generally my favorite subject.

Cancer affects a huge number of people every day, and I have had many first hand experiences with it

My grandfather, Jerry, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer approximately 2 years ago. You don't need the commas, because "Jerry" is more specific than "my grandfather"

He had been an avid smoker his whole life, so it wasn't exactly surprising information,; it was, nevertheless, very upsetting.

(I'm not going to list all of the commas you're missing. just know that if you're joining two independent clauses with a conjunction, you need a comma!)

I really like it! It's good that you stated at the end how this experience will help you at UF; I've read a lot of essays that forget to relate back to the prompt.

It's just missing a lot of commas :)