Hi all, this is my essay for University of Texas undergrad admission.
Topic: Write about someone who has had an influence of your life and explain that influence.
This is only a first draft of my essay, so if you guys would offer any constructive criticism, I would greatly appreciate it. Also, I think my ending is a little shaky so if anyone could think of ways to make it more powerful, I would also greatly appreciate that.
I want this to be really good, so please be brutally honest in your criticism. [But I worked really hard on this so some good ol' flattery would be appreciated also! :-) ].
My eyes stared wide as the buildings drew closer and closer, then started whizzing by at a hundred miles per hour. And then, there was touchdown, and the beginning of my new life in the city of Hong Kong. That first flight between my old home in India and my new one in Hong Kong is one of my earliest memories. My father had worked hard to come here so that he could provide a better life for his family. Ever since those early years my parents had shown me the value of family and of excelling in every endeavor I undertook.
I soon began attending school in Hong Kong. I was enormously excited for my first day of school in a new city, but when I got there, my hopes quickly faded. I realized that not only did I look different from all my classmates; I did not even speak the same language as many of them! I also learned that my classmates were leaps and bounds ahead of me in terms of academics, but I was determined to catch up with them and fit in as quickly as possible. Every day after school, I would sit with my mom and learn everything that my classmates had already been taught. In just six weeks, I learned how to read, write, and do basic arithmetic, and I went form being an underdog to being one of the best students I the class! Those long hours of studying also taught me the values of patience, hard work, and perseverance. Perhaps more importantly, as I looked proudly at my report card, I saw the tangible benefits those values can have.
While I was succeeding in the classroom, my father was hard at work looking for a still better life for his family. Remaining true to his values of excellence and advancement, my father moved again, this time to the United States. I was again thrust into a new school, but to my surprise, what I had learned in Hong Kong paid off, and this time I was the one who was leaps and bounds ahead of my classmates! At around the same time, my mom decided to pursue her own dream of becoming an engineer, and she went back to college to get her second masters degree. By doing this, my mom not only taught, but showed me the value of a good education, and of pursuing your dreams. Because she would no longer be at home with me after school, my mom also indirectly taught me how to be self-reliant and independent. I learned how to make dinner or myself, how to take care of my little sister, and how to eschew the TV in favor of a textbook so that I could study for my next exam.
My parents have been without a doubt the most influential people in my life. In the ugliest of situations - in new schools and new countries, my parents have taught me valuable lessons through their own actions that I will never forget.
my classmates; I did not even speak the same language as many of them!
Are you sure about the punctuation here? I think the semi-colon should be a comma, and the exclamation should be a full stop.
I felt that your essay was too much about you and too little about your parents.
You devoted just one paragraph describing the influences of your parents. I'd like to see a bit more.
Moreover, your second paragraph kept reminding me of an altogether different prompt -- the one that goes,
"Describe an obstacle...how you overcame it..."
That was the criticism.
I liked your start. You also set the theme of the essay very early on -- which is good. I didn't see any more grammatical errors either.
There goes your good ol' flattery.
(It was honest though...haha...)My eyes stared wide as the buildings drew closer and closer, then started whizzing by at a hundred miles per hour. And then, there was touchdown, and the beginning of my new life in the city of Hong Kong. That first flight from my old home India to my new home Hong Kong is one of my earliest memories. 3 years ago, my father came here with a vision to provide a better life for his family. Ever since those early years, my parents had shown me the value of family and of excelling in every endeavor I undertook.
I soon began attending school in Hong Kong. Excitement was high. But soon those positive feelings and big anticipations that in those beginning days quickly faded. I realized that, in my class, not only did I look different from my classmates but also I did not speak or understand the language they spoke. Also, they were leaps and bounds ahead of me in terms of academics.
Ever since those early years my parents had shown me the value of family and of excelling in every endeavor I undertook. --- This sentence does not prove anything, does not mean much. It is the last sentence of the first paragraph, so it should be a sentence that tells the reader something you want the reader to remember.
The last sentence of the first paragraph is one that sets the theme for the whole essay. Write this sentence in a way that captures the 'moral of the story,' the theme of the essay.
Scratch out what is boring and begin para #2 with what is exciting:
I soon began attending school in Hong Kong. I was enormously excited for my first day...
By doing this, my mom not only taught, but showed me set an example about the value of a good education, and of pursuing your dreams.
Very impressive!!!
Hi.
You essay is fairly well written but I would be more impressed if you can express the relationship between your decision to be a better student and how your parents have influence your decision more clearly. It seems that you have decided to work hard for your studies before your mother have decided to enroll in her course. How can the things she did later inspired you earlier work?
If your mother's enrollment into the course has taught you
the value of a good education, and of pursuing your dreams.
then who is responsible for your earlier work? In my opinion, the second paragraph looked very detached.
I think it would be a good idea to switch the order of events; like talk about your mother first, then talk about yourself, that way we can see the connection clearer.
G L~
