Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Hey guys, this is my personal essay. I will appreciate it if someone would like to help me.
As most Chinese students, I had got accustomed to the traditional dogmatic education which coerced me studying in a tedious class without much classroom interaction from elementary school to senior high school. What I needed to do was just to remember what the teacher taught and never expected I would be raised even though I exactly answered the teacher's question in the class. However, things have changed after I was admitted to the Joint Institute of Shanghai Jiaotong University whose teaching staff are mostly composed of American instructors. Since then, I have had so many attractive and fascinating classes which are much different from those I had had before, and I gained quite a lot, such as confidence. I realize that American teaching methods are substantially different from those of Chinese teachers. [..]
One of my favorite American teachers is Adam, who taught us English Writing. The first class he gave us deeply attracted me. He was a cheerful and lively guy. He successfully constructed an active atmosphere in the class by making some funny and exaggerated gestures to better elaborate his points/topics . From the beginning of the class to the end, I could not stop smiling at him, and I really felt comfortable and enjoyable. I remembered that Adam had asked us a question during the class, "W ho do you think is the most significant person in Chinese history?" No one answered him . Unlike my previous high school teachers who would just go on their teaching, Adam made an amusing expression and encouraged us, "Come on! It isn't a quiz! Be confident!" I murmured quietly, "Qin Shi Huang", and hoped that he would not hear me because I was shy and did not plan to be appointed to speak in front of the large audience. But he caught my voice, jumped to me, and asked me to give any explanation to my answer. I was embarrassed as I felt everyone's focus on me . I reluctantly stood up and responded in a low voice, "Because he unified the ancient China." "Fantastic! Is there anything more?" Adam tried to excavate my potential and looked at me expectantly. I did not expect that he would encourage and give my response such a compliment. For Chinese students, that historical event was general knowledge and I thought the answer did not worth the word "fantastic", but his did give me some courage. Consequently, I replied a bit louder, "And he unified the currency system of China." Adam smiled, and he said, "Why aren't you confident? Your answer is fairly good!" I was inspired and thus I became aware of believing myself and defeating the timidity.
Hence, Adam's generous of giving compliments left a profound impression on me. During the freshmen year, under the influences of those American teachers, I enjoyed the feeling of being recognized, which did good to my study and research. In fact, I have learned that it is a unique aspect of American teaching methods. Consequently, I expect to seek the opportunity to study in a genuine American educational environment. As an engineering student, I firmly believe that I will have a more outstanding study, which is my objective, given that I am in such a lively and inspiring education environment.
Overall, your essay answer the prompt. However, I believe that you should skip the wordy vocabulary and opted for more colloquial words. Vary your sentence length a little. Use short sentences to emphasize your points; use long sentences to elaborate them.
Content wise, I felt that you tend to repeat the same idea multiple times. You should use less direct quotes and dialogue for it makes the entire response seem clutter. Also, I believe that you should substitute the word "attractive" (or 'attracted') for another word, I can't perceived your points whenever you use the word "attractive".
Hugs, and good luck :)
Let's make a change here at the beginning, too:
Like most Chinese students, I had got accustomed to the traditional, dogmatic education which coerced me into studying in a tedious class without much classroom interaction from elementary school to senior high school.
Can you specify what kind og engineering?---> As an engineering student, I firmly believe that I will have a more outstanding study, which is my objective, given that I am in such a lively and inspiring education environment.
You did well with this! It reflects your seriousness and intelligence.
