Transfer admission essay, why do i want to attend this school of management?

Hello guys, i want to transfer to another university so badly. please, i will appreciate very much your comments about my essay. this is only my first draft :)

thanks in advance to you all!

To Whom It May Concern,
At high school I have been always a successful student in all the subjects I attended, however, I myself made I preference to a mathematic courses of algebra and geometry, as I felt more confident with numbers. In my senior year of high school, I knew that I need to be very well finance educated and that I want to succeed in business to support my parents. I found out that X University is one of the best schools that provide excellent affordable education.

I can see myself living in residence halls, the real ones, to feel the student atmosphere. I have always dreamed about the real student life, which includes dormitories, communities, special occasions and organizations that leads students together. My current university does not provide those opportunities; I feel that I need them to be the part of my life. When I first saw how universities in the US are organized I was captivated by the air of student community that was there: organized labs with a lot of people working together, a variety of sources in the libraries, overwhelmed and entertaining life in dorms and a lot of communities inside of just one university. This can really help students to find their own way during those 4 years at college. When I look at the pictures, videos and read students' blogs, I can feel myself as a part of this student life myself and I cannot wait to try being one of them. Moreover, I find the site of the university very convenient, the fact that it is situated outside of the city is a significant advantage because it forces to concentrate on studies and your college friends, whether in my current university, which is in the center of the city, students meet each other only at classes and this may be one of the reasons why there are no communities.

I have chosen X University because I think this school is the best place to pursue my higher education. I have monitored a lot and am very much interested in attending the School of Management which is the best for me because it gives an excellent knowledge and opportunities to get an internship and to build my future career. I would also like to become a part of Alpha Kappa Phi organization cause I have heard and read about it a lot.

btw i forgot to include that the reason why i did not apply to this university on my freshman year is because my parents wanted me to live with my sister for a while. that is why i applied to UNYP, but the real me wants to go to this school where i am applying now.

well this is pretty much it for now, please be honest! i appreciate any comments ! thanks

however, I preferred math courses like algebra and geometry


I knew I had to be well educated in finance in order to succeed in Business and support my parents.


whereas, in my current university


What have you monitored??


This is not good enough a reason to become part of this organization. Mention what is it in the organization that attracts you.

You have started with your high school years without giving any introduction about yourself or your family. Drop in a line or two about this.

Also, write about why the university should choose you over others.. I mean your plus points.
You can also mention about the drawbacks of your current university, apart from the location which you have mentioned.

I don't have much experience writing SOP or related stuff. So others might be able to help you better.

Cheers

Thank you Rajveer a lot :) i'll work on it

When you use "however" in the middle of a sentence, it has to be like this:
I do not like to leave the house. When I do leave the house, however, I do get a lot of things accomplished.

In the middle of the sentence it has to work like the word "though."

In this case, I think what Rajveer means is that it must be made into its own sentence:
At high school I have always been a successful student in all the subjects I attended. However, I developed a preference for mathematics courses, such as algebra and geometry, as I felt more confident with numbers.

Above, I changed a few words, too!

I found out that X University is one of the best schools that provide excellent affordable education. ---- I think you should change this sentence so that it tells exactly what you want to accomplish at their university. Pretend that this final sentence of the first paragraph is the only sentence they will remember. Tell them clearly in this sentence what your plan is.

Keep revising, you are doing well!! I look forward to seeing another draft.

thank you very much Kevin!)