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'being trapped within the confines of anxiety and fear' - UC Personal Statement

foxysoxgirl 1 / 1  
Sep 21, 2014   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Ok so I put this together real quick, just want some suggestions, more specifically on how to make it more interesting.

The soft breeze blew my hair opposite to my natural hair part, as I sat there. Annoyed, I awkwardly slapped it back to its origination. Screams of delight and happiness filled my ears, but it was the complete antithesis of what I felt inside. Inside, there was sorrow, regret, and want. I wanted to be like the other kids, talking and playing on the jungle gym, but I could not do it, being trapped within the confines of my anxiety and fear.

I suffered of Selective Mutism for about six years of my life, from kindergarten to fifth grade. Sitting and watching the kids play is what my recess consisted of everyday. I was the most talkative parrot at home but at school I was always the quietest. I only spoke to teachers when I needed to use the restroom and never spoke to my peers or even acknowledged them except for a simple nod or shake of the head. I never had any friends. It is sad because I never got treated for it, I guess it eventually went away given I had half a decade to do so. But even in middle school I was still extremely shy, however I was at least able to answer to my peers verbally. Selective Mutism took over my life, it may have diminished but to this day I still deal with the aftermath. I am working on my social skills and I have made great progress. I got my first real job in the spring of my junior year and for talking to 1000 people maximum each week after not being socialized with people it was a big deal. I quit my job later that year but I came out a new person. It is beautiful what is has done to me and how much I have improved socially. It has almost made me numb to anxiety due to all the high stress situations of customers yelling at your face.

The negative effects have clearly been prominent however there has been one positive effect I deeply cherish: perceptivity. In all the years I had not spoken, I just sat and observed. Over the years I developed a mind-reading-like quality. Even today I still analyze people. Their body language, they way they act when no one is looking, their demeanor...and I use it to my advantage. Sometimes I wonder why I had to suffer from selective mutism but then I remember my perceptivity and I realize it may not have been that bad after all.
nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Sep 21, 2014   #2
A quite personal and inspiring essay.
The introductory paragraph is captivating.
Yet, you should elaborate more on how you change from a reticent kid to a more sociable person.
Ang I notice that your key point in the pasage are, first, your transition, second, your unique talent-perceptivity.
I think if your original purpose is to show your remarkable perceptivity, your careful observation of people, you need to give reader more details and examples to suuport that this personal quality actually builds up your identity.

That is to say, you need to make this part of your essay more effective. You could add your reflective process when you observe people, or add what you learn from observing people's gestures and analyzing them.

Keep working:)
I would like to enjoy your essay after you take my suggestion and revise your essay a little bit :)
vangiespen - / 4,136 1449  
Sep 22, 2014   #3
foxysogirl, in addition to what Nicole has said, I would like to add that you can also try to reverse the content of your essay. Mention your ability to perceive people first and how that has helped you get ahead in life. Then go back and tell us how how you developed this uncanny ability through Self Mutism. You have a very interesting story to tell and it should be heard. But first, you need to develop that fantastic hook that will keep the admission officer glued to your essay. So don't forget to talk about how your sense of perception has kept you ahead of the pack socially and also kept other people wondering about that special thing about you that they just can't put a finger on. Work up the essay to make it seem like you are enigma to other people because of that ability that, thanks to self mutism, helped you throughout your life. Don't forget though, you have to explain the reasons why you decide to go mute for 6 years. Without that explanation, a gaping continuity error and lack of foundation will exist in your paper. Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-) Good luck with the revision if you choose to do one. I know I'm going to look forward to reading it ;-)

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