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'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay


ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 22, 2011   #1
Thanks for stopping by. I would like feedback on my extracurricular activity essay for the Common App. on content, readability and grammar.
Not sure if the prompt was sufficiently answered and if the last sentence is effective or not. Any help will be appreciated.
I will critique your essays if you would like. Just indicate.

PROMPT:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below [1000 characters]

I am able to travel to anywhere I want, within the blink of an eye. Preposterous some might think, but I can visit the grassy highlands of Scotland, the bustling streets of England, the dense jungles of Cambodia, the sub-zero mountain ranges of Antarctica, and even Olympus (the home of the Greek Gods) or, if I am feeling particularly devilish, I can pop into the Underworld and see what mischief Hades and Persephone are stirring up -all without leaving the comforts of my bed. My travels are not restricted to the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates found on a map, instead extend to dimensions that are otherwise impossible to locate. Reading, to me is more than just skimming over the words on a page or a hobby. Books are the primary means through which I discover unchartered territory, fall in love with spellbinding characters, all while experiencing their adventures and adversities firsthand. I am an avid reader and my eyes greedily consume the material of any novel within my reach.
faux_soup 3 / 7  
Dec 22, 2011   #2
Very well written! Your opening captivated me right away. Flows very well, vocab is good and not overkill, and I don't see any grammar mistakes. The only thing, and I think you had this concern too, your last sentence. I don't know how you are doing with characters but my suggestion would be to scrap it, and talk/conclude with more about how books have affected YOU.
lch920619x 5 / 19  
Dec 22, 2011   #3
I like your opening sentences, they did arouse my curiosity. Nice work!
jkhalifeh93 2 / 17 4  
Dec 22, 2011   #4
excellently written essay, in fact outstanding. However, I dont think the essay answers the prompt as supposed to. However, its a shame to see such a brilliantly written essay go to waste. I think you should use it somewhere else...
insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 22, 2011   #5
Im not too sure Adcoms would consider reading as an extracurricular activity. But otherwise its a great essay!
crew12 3 / 5  
Dec 22, 2011   #6
I really like it! It's good you changed the first sentence because it was a bit of a run on. It may be stronger if you showed what reading revealed about you or how you bring it into your everyday life. For example, if your creative imagination is an asset to you in school or if your fascination with characters makes you a more compassionate friend, ect.
chipdip - / 12  
Dec 22, 2011   #7
Not to burst your bubble, but does reading count as an extracurricular activity? Because I think the prompt is asking you to describe one of the activities that are listed under that section on the commonapp. But other than that, it's great and says a lot in such a small space.
OP ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 22, 2011   #8
Mhmmmm, well I did some research and reading (and practically anything else) can be classified as an extracurricular as long as its something your passionate about and its beneficial to others. So I will again spruce up my response just to highlight that reading not only benefits me, but also my friends - like Lynne mentioned.

I want to thank you all for your opinions and compliments, I really do appreciate them and if anyone needs help I'll be glad to!
sjmiller1993 4 / 13  
Dec 22, 2011   #9
i love the essay, but the first sentence might be a little too long, and i believe the last sentence is a little redundant. but overall the style and substance are very well done!
admiraljes 2 / 14  
Dec 22, 2011   #10
This is very interesting. I'd say this is a good essay regarding your interests. However, I believe the reason why the commonapp has this essay is because the colleges want to see how you can actually contribute to the community atmosphere by actually engaging in social activities. So I'd say it's better if you changed your essay to more along those lines.
devansh1411 2 / 5  
Dec 23, 2011   #11
Its a beautiful piece of writing from the creativity perspective. You might want to make it a bit more personal. Maybe include a book or two you enjoyed!
cicy1994 3 / 10  
Dec 23, 2011   #12
Yes indeed this is a very creative piece of writing! However, I don't think it is what they are looking for with an extracurricular essay.

It is more of a hobby than an "social activity." Maybe try to talk about a book club you've initiated or joined. Or how your love of reading has effected you and the others around you, in a positive way of course.
kikuchi 2 / 6  
Dec 23, 2011   #13
the last sentence is effective and intro is good but it is unclear about you...
jonjojonjo 4 / 9  
Dec 23, 2011   #14
What a intro! Good essay which clarifies your desire to read. But I think the last sentence is little bit redundant indeed.
menukagrg 7 / 98  
Dec 23, 2011   #15
Hi Zhoe kelly,

I have read all the comments here (took me quite a while). First of all, i think your initial essay is superb. I also love the second one where you changed the last sentence. Second of all, reading IS an extracurricular activity. I don't know why some people don't think it is. If it is not, well, you made it sound like one. The suggestions are nice but the essay is already good to alter too much.

Good luck.

I would also love to get your feedback on my extracurricular essay. Got two. :)
ctchrssmnky 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2011   #16
This is exceptionally well written. My only complaints:

1) "bustling streets of England" -- England is a varied country. Perhaps pick a city, like London. The image is more fitting.
2) The last sentence. We already understand you are an avid reader. I agree with some of the comments above -- you could scrap this.

One of my supplements is about my love of reading too (and funnily enough, it's for Reed) -- look at it, please?
Other than that, very very well done!
OP ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 23, 2011   #17
Nimitha

Why thank you. I took out the England bit for that exact same reason. & I already changed the last sentence. (check post #21)
Thank you again :) & I'll be sure to.
Mikemikemike 4 / 13  
Dec 23, 2011   #18
niceky written, but it's more poetical than en explanatory text about an extracurricular activity-
ctchrssmnky 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2011   #19
Did I mention that I adore your use of semicolons? Semicolons are probably my favorite punctuation mark (right after ampersands) and I love seeing them used properly in a piece of writing.
OP ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 23, 2011   #20
Ha, Nimitha no you didn't but thank the persons who corrected me. I like semi-colons too, there just so nifty.

Mikaela

I think that through poetic I have explained my extracurricular well.

Thanks!
cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 23, 2011   #21
I think what is missing is the Action that makes an extracurricular activity good...so far you just say you love to read, all the "places" and ppl you meet in books, and how those things have greased your imagination

Is there any way you could expound upon how this affected you, besides just inwardly? Per se, did you discuss it in depth with friends or cross into the realms of friendship after having a deep talk with your English teacher about it? Did it make you see stereotypes about today's culture, and then helped you revise the way to talked to others? These things would really make reading sound like an extracurricular, you know, "beyond the curriculum" and into the read world.

Oh, I would love it if you (and anyone) could read my Common App essay: "Elderly Center + Church", Thanks and I hoped this helps excel your essay further, because you have a great essay:)
OP ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 24, 2011   #22
Sarah

Mhmmmm, I thought I had expounded on how reading has affected me through mention of helping my friends with their homework and the book club sessions I have.
AnimalLover101 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2011   #23
I think this is very well written, however I do not think it completely answers the question of extracurricular activities?? I'm not sure. Also, I would like for you to read and critique my essay!
Leehoo 5 / 10  
Dec 24, 2011   #24
Hey~
the essay is great. But I'm afraid besides your novel writing style, you are basically talking about one thing: You like reading. Though in the following sentences you try to extend the reading to your life, but I still think this can be applyed to everyone. Perhaps try to think what special has reading given you? Hope this can work.

Again, this is only my opinion, and forgive me for being harsh:)
Wish you good luck!
cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 24, 2011   #25
Oh yes, you did mention it...sry I think I didn't read your tweaked version :)


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