"being a trilingual Egyptian and Palestinian" - Michigan diversity essay

here's my diversity essay , one of two that i wrote. im not sure if it answers the prompt so any feedback is welcome :)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (250 words)

After fourteen years of the French educational system, I decided to switch to the American system my sophomore year. It proved to be quite a challenge at first.

For my first history essay, I had prepared for it immensely, but only received a "B". When I asked my teacher why, he told me that I knew the subject very well, but I had not discussed or analyzed it. This left me confused.

In French school, I would study the lesson by heart, write down what I knew on the test day, and receive a good grade. However, I had never been asked to "analyze" my lessons. Although frustrating at first, I eventually modified my studying habits and learned what was asked from me.

This proved to be a clear cultural difference between the two educational systems. I realized that the priority for French students is to learn as much information as they can. Read, Copy, Paste. While American students, although not retaining as much information, know how to take their work to the next level and discuss their views on the topic, something the French system does not teach. When I study for a test now, I use my knowledge from French school to learn my lesson by heart, all while analyzing it just as effectively, which I learned to do at the American School of Paris.

I hope to contribute to the diversity at the University of Michigan through my Egyptian and Palestinian heritage. However, I do not expect to standout because of my background, but instead join an already diverse community of students, where I'll be able to discover and explore new cultures.

Hello Rami,

Your essay brings out a really nice point and you're focussed on one specific event, which is excellent.
You don't seem to have many grammar mistakes either, working in your favor.

However, it seems to me that you're arguing that University of Michigan is already a diverse school, so one more person (you) wouldn't add much to the community, but you'll take advantage of the university (able to discover and explore new cultures).

Remember, supplement essays need to convey why the university needs YOU, not why you need the university. Overall the essay is quite strong (and personal which is a plus), but your ending could be strengthened if you bring out the point why the university needs you. For example:

In addition to cultures of three different continents engraved in me(would be better if you name which countries), my knowledge of many other cultures through my personal experience would oontribute to the diversity of UM, an asset added to already a diverse school.

p.s. It is completely up to you whether to listen or to ignore my feedback :)

thanks for ur help! i was sure that my last paragraph about diversity wasnt really answering the prompt. I'll probably use ur suggestion :)
and also, shuld i cut out the first two lines? it feels like they're just taking up word count

It sounds exaggerated (regardless of your intention). Change it to" something the French system emphasizes less upon."

As per me, your response is not appropriate enough.
Neither do you mention how you gained "respect" for the difference you talk about, nor do you answer the second part: "how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan"

Yea ur right, i wasnt too sure about this essay anyway.
thnks for ur feedback :)

Here's my revised essay :

I thought that I was as worldly as one can be. I thought that being a trilingual Egyptian and Palestinian having grown up on three different continents would have given me a good sense of cultural differences.

This all changed last October when I traveled to Bucharest with the Romania Club to help out at a children's hospital. Our only task was to play with children and keep them occupied. For the majority of the day, we took care of babies, which was exhausting yet fun. At the end of the day, however, we left the babies and went to take care of older children; together, we would make bead bracelets, facemasks, and drawings. None of them knew a word of English, except for the occasional "Hello, how are you?"; this proved to be a difficult obstacle along the week. I had lived in foreign countries, such as France and Jordan, but never had a problem with expressing myself since I spoke the language fluently. This was the first time that I could not communicate easily with someone. Fortunately, the children were understanding and we ended up creating hand signals to express ourselves. From that, I learned to respect the differences of culture and languages. I do not share the same view of people who think that everyone should know how to speak English. In addition, I'm proud to say that I left Bucharest having learned a couple of words in Romanian.

At the University of Michigan, I plan to actively demonstrate good leadership in a multicultural society. I hope that sharing my Palestinian and Egyptian heritage, along with my other diverse experiences, will motivate my classmates to explore a new world of multiculturalism.