UBC Undergraduate Application - Who You Are: "Daredevil"

UBC Application Question:

"Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why." (maximum 250 words).

I am looking for feedback in all areas. Thanks in advance! :)

Response:

No one can deny that I am a daredevil. I haven't always been this way, so my parents are surprised themselves to tell me that I've become so bold and independent in the last couple years of my life. They say that it all started when I picked up the microphone at the age of 12.

I was a shy boy who had no interest in singing, but the church band was in need of new members. After a little nudge, I began singing in front of a huge crowd- and I became hooked. Singing made me feel like I was the Luke Skywalker of Star Wars. I decided from then on that if I was going to sing, I would be the best singer in Ontario. Through self-motivation, I started to spend countless hours in my bedroom learning how to sing through YouTube. Each and every week, the stage of my church presented a new opportunity to show how much I had improved.

Naturally, I was voted to be the leader of the band after I entered high school. The instrumentalists who also became my best friends had automatically understood that I would be the perfect person to coordinate practices and songs because of the passion and experience that I had for performing. I lead my band to this day to perform in front of one hundred people weekly, and I love the fact that I inspire kids that were once just like me.

John, you have to focus the essay on at least 2 opinions / descriptions of who you are. Your parent's description is mandatory for the essay. You have the option to choose between friends or community members for the second. You can even do all 3 if you want to. If you think you have enough to cover all 3 areas of description in an effective manner then go for it.

The community members part will only be strong if you opt to discuss an activity that you take part in within the community. That way the reviewer will see how you get along with other people and the type of team spirit that you have which can be an asset to the university community. While the description from a friend can help explain the way that you might fight into the student community.

Your essay is not properly responding to the given prompt requirements at this point so you have to change the whole presentation. If you want to, you can start the essay with the description from the friend / community member and then do the family point of view so that you can keep the singing presentation as is. You will need to whittle it down for content though. You only 250 words to work with so your "most proud of" part will need to be adjusted to suit the other prompt explanation needs.

Hi I like your essay, but I think it could improve if you focus ur writing more on the prompt of how others describe you. Right now, most of your content is basically a recap of your successes in signing through the lens of yourself and you only briefly touched upon how your parents consider you a daredevil.