UBC application mini essay - in order to obtain fulfillment in life, you need to expand your horizon

Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

I think something happened in my generation that caused people to associate stepping out of their comfort zone as a taboo thing to do. This is exactly what i did until the end of grade 11. Numerous times in my life, the possiblity of looking inferior in the eyes of someone else impeded me from approaching oppurtunities I should have capitalized on. Whenever I was presented with a great chance, my self-consciousness always created an unacknowledged tension between me and people I've never even met before, causing me to squander them. One day, a screenwriting competition I came up. I wanted to enter, as I have/had an interest in cinema. I had a script written, but didn't submit it, as I wasn't confident in it. Later, I read one of the winners online, and to my suprise/delight, it was comparble to mine. This revitalized me in a sense. I started to volunteer more, participated in more community events, and approached girls that I had thought wouldnt give me the time of day. I realized that in order to obtain fulfillment in life, you need to expand your horizon, starting with stepping out of your comfort zone and improving yourself.

Your response does not properly address the prompt. What happened to you does not really represent a significant challenge in your life. In fact, it is not even a challenge because you backed down and did not proceed with your contest application. There was no lesson learned from this event. The things that you mentioned as being lessons you learned do not even directly apply to the aftermath of the event. The essay itself is weak and irrelevant to the prompt. I strongly advice you to change the essay. Reflect upon a real challenge you faced, failed at, and learned a lesson from. Remember, this has to be a life changing event that influenced you to become a better person and stand up to your fears. That is not really relevant in this narrative. Your reaction has to relate to the event. In this case, everything seems to be an independent action on your part that may or may not have been influenced by your backing out of the contest. Backing out of the contest made this an insignificant event and does not really merit or warrant a significant challenge classification.

Ni Hao Lu HuiDong xue sheng (I've spent several years in China as well. I thought you were Chinese from your name :D. If not, I have embarrassed myself. Sorry. :(

Hello Miss Lu. I read your essay and I feel something is missing. This essay is lacking voice. There's no power. You said in your essay that you were restricted to many activities for your generation. That is a pretty big challenge. Its a force that seems innate and suffocating if left alone. Considering how ominous this challenge is, I am surprised you only said "This revitalized me" after realizing you can expand your limits. If I were you, I would be shocked, blaming myself for being a fool to accept my limits and not change them. Surely you were more than just shocked or delighted when you saw the winner's script was comparable to yours... Express what you really felt in your heart and this essay would turn out powerful. I hope to see a revise from this. Well done! Jia You!