UBC PERSONAL PROFILE, WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY? "Effort"

Hi everyone, I need to write a personal profile for my UBC application and this was one of the questions that popped up. I would appreciate some feedback on the answer if possible. I appreciate your responses in advance!!

WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY?

Many things are important to me, but the one thing that stands out is effort. In my early high school days, I did not put much effort into my work. Despite this, I still ended up receiving decent grades throughout my first two high school years. One day, in my grade 10 math course, I ended up failing a test for the first time in my life. This test turned out to be worth 15% of my grade that year. Luckily, we were given an optional retest and I made a pledge to myself that I would put in all the effort required to do well. The retest was scheduled three weeks away from when the original test was returned, and I studied every day in the weeks leading up to the test in order to do well. On test day, I had never felt more confident in my ability to do well on an exam. A few days passed, and when I got the test back, I received an A. I felt happy about my result on the test, and this experience taught me that I could do anything that I wanted to do in life as long as I put in the effort required to do so. From that day on, I promised myself that no matter what it was or how much something meant that I would put in my utmost effort.

This is an up-close and personal response to a personal profile question. You have put yourself out there in all raw honesty. The reviewer will like that. You have offered an insight into your student character. This response clearly depicts how you respond to an unexpected failure and why you will always bounce back, no matter how hard it might be. If there is a second chance, you will take it an succeed. Which is all we want in life right?

As an incoming college student, it is important that the reviewer get a keen sense of how you might perform as a student. This essay tells him that as far as you are concerned, failure is never an option. Which means you will be a serious who will take the time to actually study, rather than use the college dorm as a halfway house for partying. I believe you have written a notable response to the topic. It is a response that tells the reviewer, "I am keen on studying and succeeding in life." Good job.

Hi! I believe you have written a highly impressive response which is sure to reflect well on your application. However, I do have some feedback.

This might be a personal opinion of mine, but the story felt very generic to me. While the idea you are trying to put across is top-notch, this feels very vaguely written and almost doesn't convince me that you haven't made it up just to show you're hardworking. If I were you, I would try to add more details a few more details to the story, make your change of heart, so to say, seem more passionate, and describe how exactly you 'worked hard'. By that, I mean you should mention any techniques you used, your thought processes, or just any other details to that part to make it seem more 'full'. Simply saying that you decided to work hard isn't too compelling.

Additionally, I would also recommend improving your conclusion a bit. You did a good job mentioning that you promised yourself to maintain your standards of studying, but it would be nicer if you add a line about you actually following through on that promise. As in, talk about how you did, in fact, put in effort into your subsequent exams, and to gratifying fruition.

I hope my feedback was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck ahead! Feel free to follow up on my comment if you have anything to ask, I'd love to help out as much as possible.