Hey all, I'm feeling pretty iffy about my response to the first personal profile question for UBC. I am trying to emphasize the point that who I am revolves around my passion for serving others, and how I was able to get to that point.
Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
My teachers and friends describe me as a humble and determined person, always working hard to be the best version of myself. They find that I am always contributing in different ways to the school and community, despite the little recognition I get for my work. At home, my parents say that my independence has helped form me into the person who I am today, a "machine" that never breaks down despite the stress put on it by school, work, and life.
Yet, becoming this kind of person required that I step out of my sheltered life and into the real world. As an only child, I was accustomed to relying on my parents to do everything for me. When I entered high school, I was shy and afraid to get involved in volunteer positions. Seeing my friends taking part in such activities motivated me to join them, yet I didn't know what I could do to get involved. I started by entering various groups in and outside of school, sharing my skills and experiences with others. Little by little, I acquired leadership skills, allowing me to serve in more meaningful ways such as teaching catechism, leading a team of videographers, and sharing my academic knowledge to students through tutoring. I am proud of the journey I have taken to form the leader that I am today, as well as the little deeds which have developed a lasting impact on my life, as well as those whom I have served. (Word count: 250)
Thanks in advance for your help!
@ppham2020
I really like the way you describe your journey to becoming a leader. I also really like the comparison of you being a "machine". I would say you could talk a little bit more about what those "contributions" are that you make towards the community because even if you do not get recognized for it, I think the reader would find it more interesting if you did.
@ppham2020
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope that my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing.
First and foremost, I think that the first parts of your essay are alright. What I find to be a tad bit concerning is the fact that you still need to improve your sentence construction. From the first sentence, it was obvious that you were merely connecting everything without care for precision and appropriateness. If you are able to stick with simpler formatting options, I am sure that you will improve the overall text
When looking at the core entries of the essay in the body paragraph, I think that you have a tendency over-explain situations. When you're constrained with word counts, it is better to stick with a straightforward approach to writing rather than trying to use unnecessary information throughout. If you're able to do this, it can certainly improve the appeal of your writing, making your essay more effective in relaying core details.
In the first line, I would remove the sentence that says, "despite the little recognition I get for my work." I don't know what you are referring to exactly when you state this, but it comes across like you almost want admissions to feel bad for you. I would also remove/change the first sentence of the second paragraph, which states that as a child, you were accustomed to relying on your parents to do everything for you. Relying on your parents is something all children/teens do, so this sentence doesn't contribute any actual individuality to your story. Also, instead of simply saying you were involved in many groups/clubs, I'm going to suggest that you maybe decide on one group/club that accurately depicts what you said in the first paragraph. For example, how did x club demonstrate that you were a humble and determined person? I think its good that you shared that you lead a team of videographers and taught catechism, so maybe you could elaborate on these activities a little more if you haven't already.
Good luck!
