I need help revising my personal profile. I am not sure what I should add to this
Tell us about who you are.
How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
I always felt constantly compared to my sister. My sister is 13 years older than me and excelled in all aspects of life. She contributed to the family company as a key factor, outshined all her peers academically, and held multiple roles in the community. I considered it necessary to fit my parents' high expectations. Thus, in turn, I gained a tremendous drive to succeed and pressure to live up to my sisters' high standards and achieve.
Motivated, positive, and reliable are words often linked to me. My determination and positive attitude constantly had me busy. Growing up as an almost only child, I was treated differently than my sister. Although I was pushed down by heavy expectations, I sought to distinguish myself from my sister by becoming a lead figure in my community. So last year, I had idea to open Operation Smile Club in my school. The goal in mind was to organize fundraisers to donate to Operation Smile, a non-profit medical organization fighting cleft palate. Our fight against the disease gave me the confidence to promote, sell, and lead multiple charity events around the school. Becoming a team leader, I was put in a position to make decisions around the club. I also reclaimed the Fitness Club as new president. Fitness Club was a dying club around the school where students could drop in to discuss nutritional plans, workouts and general health. I take pride in my contributions to school spirit and establishing independence from my sister.
@CasualCasual
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope my feedback helps you out somehow.
While I find that there isn't anything absurdly wrong with the content of the first paragraph, I find that this sort of comparison perspective is irrelevant for the rest of the writing. You don't necessarily need to be upfront about the fact that you have been repeatedly compared to your sister. Try your best to omit this out of your story, especially because it can come out as off-putting to your evaluators. While you may find this to be an emotional subject, it is quite inappropriate to include such information for a personal application statement.
Instead, the second paragraph should be what you are focused more. Be more specific here when you're introducing traits. For instance, don't just say that you have had multiple charity events in accordance with Operation Smile. Instead, make mention of what these events are - and how they affect you in the long-haul. Bear in mind that this is how you are going to be able to improve the rest of your writing.
