Hi all, this is my first draft of my application essay to UC. Im worried that may seem a bit disjointed, like Im trying to tell too much? Could just be that Im nervous. Have a look and please tell me what you think.
Also, I am from South Africa and will be applying as an international student, hence the emphasis on Ubuntu. Oh, and Kwa Zulu Natal is the province I live in.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Of all the quotes found in my dog-eared diary, this one by Nelson Mandela resonates the loudest from its yellowy pages. When I failed, it wasn't due to a lack of planning or preparation, it wasn't due to one specific thing. Things just didn't go according to plan. But I wasn't disappointed.
Two years ago, I decided to participate in the Oracle Thinkquest competition, a global contest in which teams of high school learners attempt to solve real-world problems by using modern technology such as web and digital media. Even though I had little knowledge on anything web-related, I jumped at the opportunity to learn something new and to be able to work with my friends as a team.
Our first attempt was a calamitous disaster. Our topic was misplaced, we had chosen Space And The Universe as our 'real world' problem, our time-management was severely lacking and our hardware had the uncanny knack of failing at the least appropriate time. We had failed, yes, but I took optimism from the fact that we could now build on past mistakes and hopefully avoid new ones.
I requested to start my own team, and to lead that team. Thinkquest was unfortunately closed in 2010, but this gave me the opportunity to further my knowledge in web-design and to better my understanding of languages and layouts. By the start of 2011 we had the team, we had the knowledge, but we lacked a topic of substance.
It was during this time that I became more aware of the world around me. I started spending more time doing community-service and volunteering at my local hospital, sitting and chatting with the sick and elderly. I became entranced by the stories I had heard, many of which came from people who lacked any significant wealth or education. I began to see the poor of my community in a different light, and became impassioned by the spirit that these people would show, even though life may have been difficult to them.
I was reminded of the ancient African philosophy of 'Ubuntu'. Directly translated, Ubuntu means "I am what I am because of who we all are", allowing one to look past individual thinking, towards a more societal perspective. The eureka moment came when I noticed the parallels that existed between Ubuntu and the ideology behind Open-Source software, something that intrigued me during my web-design learning. Open-Source can be defined as a collaborative platform, where programmers with diverse backgrounds, cultures and religions collaborate to design software to be released freely to the public, for no financial reward.
This mindset was the meeting point of ancient philosophy and modern technology, where people do things, not for themselves, but for the betterment of society and expect no personal reward. It was this ideology of helping others that could solve the world's problems, and was unanimously voted as our topic. We set to work; interviews were to be conducted with experts in open-source software design, NGO's presently battling Africa's crisis, and even politicians, both local and foreign. We teamed up with Inanda Secondary, a rural school in a poverty stricken area of Kwa-Zulu Natal, and had conducted a video-interview with it's headmaster.
It was at this point that things started to go bad. Our timing coincided with numerous school projects and assessments as the year got into full swing, disheartening my teammates greatly. We lost motivation and I had finally understood that my goals were simply too idealistic for the time we had. We were still learners in high school, with many more issues to focus on. My ambitions were too great for the time.
Ultimately I had failed. Again. But this time I didn't care. I now possessed an even greater determination and passion to succeed. I now possessed a greater understanding of humanity and the world around me. It was through my failures that I grew stronger as a person and more courageous as an individual. I had failed. But I was thankful that I did.
Wow! Your essay is so good! This one of the best papers I have read in a long time. Excellent topic, story, your words flow nicely. I would work on your conclusion. Be sure to make this evident in your writing: that the story ties in to your "life plans". The college wants to know that you have long-term and short-term goals. You sound highly intelligent for your age, and I wish you luck in school!
This is a really good essay! Great stuff. I feel like having a quote in the very beginning detracts a bit from the essay, because it doesn't give a first impression of who YOU are. You should be in the spotlight here, not Nelson. Another thing I noticed is that you have a lot of short sentences (especially in your conclusion). While these can be really good because they are succinct and powerful, I think you should try and vary your sentence length (make a few short ones longer or omit them completely) so the short ones can be as powerful as possible. Good luck! :)
Thanks very much for the responses! I've done a slight overhaul, trying to keep these suggestions in mind. Grammar wise, is everything OK?
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Mlungu. White person. Outsider. Baffling for I was neither white, nor considered myself an outsider. "Mlungu, Mlungu, Mlungu..." their piercing whispers tearing away at my armour of self-assurance. I began to question myself. This was the real world, these were real people, what was I doing here? I did not speak their language. I did not share their skin colour. I didn't belong here. My barrage of personal interrogation was disturbed by the mention of my name by the headmaster. With that my trepidations dissipated, my back straightened and I took my temporary place in front of the class. "Sanibonani umtwana" - Hello children.
Two years ago, I decided to participate in the Oracle Thinkquest competition, a global contest in which teams of high school learners attempt to solve real-world problems by using modern technology such as web and digital media. Even though I had little knowledge on anything web-related, I jumped at the opportunity to learn something new and to work with my friends on a team.
Our first attempt was a calamitous disaster. Our topic was misplaced - 'Space and the Universe' wasn't so much a 'real-world' problem, our time-management was severely lacking and our hardware had the uncanny knack of failing at the least appropriate time, that left us staring at lifeless monitors, minutes before the deadline. We had failed, yes, but I took optimism from knowing just how bad things could turn out, and how to now avoid them. Failure filled me with an even greater focus and determination. I wanted to start my own team, and to lead that team. Unfortunately, Thinkquest was cancelled in 2010. This setback however gave me the opportunity to further my knowledge in web-design.
What we lacked the first time was a topic with impact. I thought it was an incredible coincidence to learn that my school's IT department had teamed up with Inanda Secondary, a modern school built in rural, poverty-stricken Kwa Zulu Natal, in an effort to show technology's place in the developing world. It was because of this collaboration that we christened ourselves team 'Ubuntu'. Directly translated, the ancient African philosophy of Ubuntu means "I am what I am because of who we all are", allowing one to look past individual thinking, towards a more societal perspective. This mindset was the meeting point of ancient philosophy and the collaborative thinking of modern technology, yet it was our visit to Inanda Secondary that awakened me to it's power and importance.
We stood there silently watching them play, their smiles pure, tainted only by rotting teeth. Children, of many ages, were running around laughing, innocently screaming in their frayed and threadbare clothes. Most would leave school to help their struggling families, and abandon any hope of achieving anything with their lives. This was the poverty that so plagued my country, this was the harsh reality of life. We stood their, my teammates and I, in solemn introspection, our freshly-ironed uniforms growing heavier each second, the freshly-painted walls of the school seeming so hollow. I no longer feared failing, for this was simply a competition. I had found something much greater, much bigger than myself. Technology could help these children, we could help these children. I wanted more, I wanted to change society. I now understood my purpose in life.
I stood there speaking, a new spark in my eye, a spark of vehement determination and conviction, as I looked the room over. I was no longer an outsider, for I had found my identity in these people. I am an African, maybe not by race or language, but by spirit and heart. I looked towards the headmaster, towards the teachers, and finally to the children, sitting in blissful innocence. "Salani Kahle Umtwana" - Stay well children.
