Hello,
This is a rough draft of my application essay and I need somebody to critique it!!
I'm not sure if this essay is good enough for submission... T.T
I don't know if I wrote enough on the affect your college experience/contribution to the UF campus community part...
Thanks!
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My heart was pounding as I teed off for my last golf game of the season. For a person who started learning golf 4 months ago, I was pretty lucky to be playing in the districts. I didn't have a lot of experience but I thought 2 months of my life as a golf team member was good enough. I was wrong. I was conceited and ignored my coach's warning, "keep track of your own score but most importantly, keep track of your opponents' scores!" I played with two other people and everything was going smoothly without delay but about halfway through, I noticed one of my opponents lying about her score. She said her score was 9 when it was actually 13. My other opponent and I argued against her because there was no way that it was 9. We counted her shots from the beginning and it was 13. She apologized and said she had made a counting error. We continued to play but I began to sense something odd about her. On some of the holes, my shots were clearly better than hers but my score was not. I wanted to say something but did not because I was not perfectly certain and didn't want to embarrass myself.
As I putted my last hole, I felt a sense of satisfaction because I had worked so hard this season and thought I had done well! I was wrong again. A few minutes after my group signed our scorecards, I found out that the girl did cheat on some of the holes and my other opponent's mom, who had followed my group, keeping track of all of our scores, had noticed the girl cheating and notified our coaches. My mind went blank for about a minute and I was feeling many emotions at once: anger, humiliation and disbelief. Nothing could be done about this situation because we had already signed our scorecards. I was furious and disappointed at myself and regretted not saying anything so I went to look for the girl but she had disappeared. I learned a valuable lesson that day and made a promise to myself to never let something like this happen again in the future and to be responsible for everything I do. I don't blame anybody for what happened that day but me. I was cheated on because I was careless. Ever since that incident I became very vigilant and observant of my surroundings. I am a person who learns a lot from experience and this experience will definitely help me have a safe and honest time at UF. I was never a dishonest student but this experience has taught me to never lie or cheat because I learned how much that hurts other people. I became a more responsible person and meticulous about everything I do. I try to not do anything I would regret in the future by speaking what is on my mind so I know that I will have the best time at UF.
This is a rough draft of my application essay and I need somebody to critique it!!
I'm not sure if this essay is good enough for submission... T.T
I don't know if I wrote enough on the affect your college experience/contribution to the UF campus community part...
Thanks!
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My heart was pounding as I teed off for my last golf game of the season. For a person who started learning golf 4 months ago, I was pretty lucky to be playing in the districts. I didn't have a lot of experience but I thought 2 months of my life as a golf team member was good enough. I was wrong. I was conceited and ignored my coach's warning, "keep track of your own score but most importantly, keep track of your opponents' scores!" I played with two other people and everything was going smoothly without delay but about halfway through, I noticed one of my opponents lying about her score. She said her score was 9 when it was actually 13. My other opponent and I argued against her because there was no way that it was 9. We counted her shots from the beginning and it was 13. She apologized and said she had made a counting error. We continued to play but I began to sense something odd about her. On some of the holes, my shots were clearly better than hers but my score was not. I wanted to say something but did not because I was not perfectly certain and didn't want to embarrass myself.
As I putted my last hole, I felt a sense of satisfaction because I had worked so hard this season and thought I had done well! I was wrong again. A few minutes after my group signed our scorecards, I found out that the girl did cheat on some of the holes and my other opponent's mom, who had followed my group, keeping track of all of our scores, had noticed the girl cheating and notified our coaches. My mind went blank for about a minute and I was feeling many emotions at once: anger, humiliation and disbelief. Nothing could be done about this situation because we had already signed our scorecards. I was furious and disappointed at myself and regretted not saying anything so I went to look for the girl but she had disappeared. I learned a valuable lesson that day and made a promise to myself to never let something like this happen again in the future and to be responsible for everything I do. I don't blame anybody for what happened that day but me. I was cheated on because I was careless. Ever since that incident I became very vigilant and observant of my surroundings. I am a person who learns a lot from experience and this experience will definitely help me have a safe and honest time at UF. I was never a dishonest student but this experience has taught me to never lie or cheat because I learned how much that hurts other people. I became a more responsible person and meticulous about everything I do. I try to not do anything I would regret in the future by speaking what is on my mind so I know that I will have the best time at UF.