Unique characteristics - ability to mentor new students and to tutor underclass-men

I was inducted into the National Honor Society in May of 2008. The qualifications for membership in the National Honor Society consist of these four areas: Scholarship, Service, Leadership and Character. I excelled in the Scholarship qualification category based upon my 3.8 GPA, and I am in the Top 10% of my class.

Each person is as unique as a fingerprint. We all have qualities, good and bad, that differ from one another. I fully intend to put forth all of my salubrious attributes towards the Florida Golf Coast community. I would contribute unique characteristics including my ability to mentor new students and to tutor underclassmen. I have thrived in a culturally diversified environment. I will use my loyalty to represent such a prestigious school in a suitable fashion. A school such as Florid Gulf Coast deserves no less.

I have been a member of the Varsity Soccer and Softball teams for 4 years. I believe my participation in these sports have helped me to develop leadership, teamwork and social abilities. This experience has also helped me foster community relationships; working with Bank Atlantic Center, Beef O Brady's, and PGA Golf Club.

I would like to attend Florida Gulf Coast University for several reasons: the exciting and challenging curriculum that is offered: coupled with the exciting sports curriculum. I have visited the campus on several occasions, most notably, to watch the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles softball team play. I would like the experience of living in a new city and meeting new people from all over the country. Attending Florida Gulf Coast University will expand my opportunities, challenge my mind, and offer me a great education.

Good evening.

Looking at your essay, watch random capitalization. If the word is not a proper noun or the beginning of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. A refresher on basic grammar and punctuation can help with this.

You don't use transitions between your paragraphs, and so it doesn't flow very well; it seems as if you have four mini-essays because they are not linked together.

Also, the conclusion is a bit too brief, and new information is mentioned therefore hinting at a new paragraph but not following through. If your word count is permitting, try smoothing that out a bit.

I think you've got a good outline here; you've got the facts you want to include, now all you need is some "filler" to make the overall piece fluid.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

One suggestion that I had was that rather than list your accomplishments and say that they made you a better leader, etc. you should think of an example that shows that you are a good leader, a good teammate, etc. and elaborate on that. When doing so make sure you are specific and detailed about your experience so that you reveal something about yourself.