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Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY!

vineeth10 1 / 4  
Nov 5, 2015   #1

Now that I've grabbed your attention, can you please proofread my essay? Thanks!

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. I Chose to apply to UCF because I knew this university would give me hope. A hope that gives me an opportunity that pushes me forward in life that I am aiming for. A successful path in life requires a successful university. This university is one of them. So, I chose UCF to be my pathway to success.

I want to major in Computer Science. When I was looking at universities that are near, affordable, and had Computer Science as one of the top majors, I saw this university as my best option and an opportunity to succeed. This university campus also impressed me in how big and how great it is. It's rich history and success stories that came from this university would attract everyone...including me.

What even attracted me more was the university's ranking. During my research about UCF, I found out that this university was ranked among the top universities in United States of America! Not only that! I also found out that UCF's Computer Science is one of the best 100 in the world! Also, the metropolitan research in UCF was the 3rd largest in the nation! When I found this out, this university instantly became my dream school. With the graduation rate of 67%, which is above average, and an average income of at least $70,000 after graduation, this university could kick start my pathway to success.

When I visited UCF for an open house, I was dazed by how big and beautiful this university was. It was so huge that I felt like I was in a mini city. Almost like a paradise! My instincts told me that this is where I have to go.

This university, like I said, is my first choice to attend. Beautiful campus, great classes, top notch Computer Science program, and affordable. All these qualities are what makes my vision of a perfect university.

fahmisadja 33 / 33 34  
Nov 6, 2015   #2
Hi Vineeth,

I'll try to give you my comments, you may use it for input.
1. Straight to do point what will you say, put your reason/idea first then following your reasons
2. You don't need to use some exclamation marks to express on your essay. Remember, It is formal essay.
3. I felt that you really tried hard to create this essay. Be careful to choose your word or tenses.
4. Use your research about UCF to strengthen your willingness to choose major or university. Do not be absurd to mention your opinion such as great, good, without clearly data. Choose certain facts that support your aim.

5. Your ideas should be more stronger. Tell what actually your dreams with your major? How could the university support?

Thank you, hope you will get your goal. Good luck Vineeth :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 7, 2015   #3
Vineeth, while your essay is truly informative and offers an insight into the background of the university as the main reason that you chose to study at UCF, the answers you provided are definitely not the answers that the reviewer is looking for. A response to this prompt should not include commonly known, researchble information. Those are reasons that cannot help your application because you are merely repeating often learned information through website searches and the student brochures, or even Google. In other words, the information you provided for your choice lacks a personal connection between your choice and the university offerings. The reviewer will not appreciate reading information about the university that he is quite familiar with since he is an employee of the university. Therefore, there is no need for you to introduce his own university to him.

What your response should contain instead, are references to the academic and extra curricular reasons that you wish to attend UCF. You should start off your response with information about the major that you wish to study (Computer Science). After you mention your chosen major, discuss the various academic offerings, course curriculum, internship programs, research opportunities, etc, that are offered at the school. Explain to the reviewer wjy these course offerings and academic activities give you hope for a brighter future. don't mention anything about university rankings, tuition fees, or even after college employment salaries. Those should not be the main reasons why you choose a university.

After that, explain how you feel at home or welcome by the university community, talk about a few campus social activities, organizations, or clubs that are located on campus that you feel will help you keep a well rounded life during your next four years as a student. Talk about volunteering at organizations close to your heart, or working with clubs in order to develop your civic mindedness. Make sure to portray the idea that UCF is your choice of university for college because of the well rounded (academic and social) education that is offered there.

Remember, create a personal connection with the university. Try to show the reviewer that you have some common traits with their known missions and objectives as a university. The academic and social connection between you must resonate loudly in the essay. As of now, your essay is not only weak, it is inappropriate and unusable. The reviewer will not even finish reading this essay at this point. So you have to start from scratch and develop a totally new essay in response to the prompt. The "heart" of your reasons will be what matters most in this case.
OP vineeth10 1 / 4  
Nov 8, 2015   #4
Thanks you guys for the suggestions!
OP vineeth10 1 / 4  
Nov 8, 2015   #5

I've always wanted to work with computers. Computers amuse me. The way they work, way they respond and work for us humans, how they interact, and how it changed the world from the last three decades. Computers have transformed our way of living and the way of thinking. I want to be the one who advances the computer technology even further. This is why I chose to apply for UCF. To make a difference in the world.

IS this intro better? @vangiespen
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 8, 2015   #6
Vineeth, that introduction is better than what you have at the moment. If clearly shows that you have tied in your personal desire to further your computer studies with UCF. Now, I am led to the next question. Since you have improved your opening spiel, how do you plan to revise the rest of the essay to fit that opening statement?

A word of unsolicited advice on my part, don't forget, now that you have created that personal connection with UCF, you have to follow through on it. That means that you now need to specify reasons that show commonalities between your interests and UCF. Look up the website of the school and analyze their mission and objectives. Do you identify with anything that the university stated in those portions? If you find some similarities between the two then don't be afraid to mention it. These similarities show that you have not only researched about the school, but that you also understand the reason that they inspire they students to be a certain kind of student / individual / adult.

I hope that you can post the full revised essay soon. The new introduction is a good start. I hope that you will be just as successful following through in the succeeding paragraphs :-) Remember, the personal connection counts more than the common known information about the university so to not try to fall back on that information when you feel yourself running short. Just end the essay and post it here so we can help you polish it instead :-) See you soon!
OP vineeth10 1 / 4  
Nov 8, 2015   #7

The day I visited UCF for an open house, it felt like home. That really ...

Ill post the entire essay by tonight :)

This is the second paragraph...is this ok or is it just too complementing? @vangiespen
OP vineeth10 1 / 4  
Nov 8, 2015   #8

I've always loved to work with computers. Computers amuse me in how they work, way they respond and work for us humans, how they interact, and how it changed the world from the last three decades. Computers have transformed our way of living and the way of thinking. Computers became part of your daily lives now. I want to be the one who advances the computer technology even further and more advance. This is why I chose to apply for UCF. To make a difference in the world.

The day I visited UCF for an open house, it felt like home. That really didn't happen when I visited other universities. I always felt nervous, uncomfortable, and didn't really feel like I would fit in when I visited other universities. With this university, however, I knew I would prove myself to be something greater. Anything that feels like home is always better for me. This is why I chose to apply for UCF.

The computer and technology businesses are booming today in crating jobs and creating new technologies to make the people's lives less complicated. In joining the computer science program at UCF, it would be a great start for me to thrive towards my goal. Having to learn that UCF has a major research area such as AI (Artificial Intelligence), virtual reality (VR), and human-computer interaction (HCI), I grew to like UCF even more.

Joining UCF's Computer Science program would be the building block for my future and my one goal of making a difference in the world by making the people's lives easier and smarter. This being said, joining UCF would be my dream and my best bet for my success in the future.

Thanks for helping me again!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 8, 2015   #9
Vineeth, you've written a far more better essay from the original one and this is very good.
This means that you take constructive criticism and you work it out from there,it's also good to know that
with a collaborative effort of EF contributors you are able to come up with a stronger essay.

For future reference, please find the following guidelines;
- go straight to the point
- reserve some information that can be used for the next succeeding essays needed for the application
- be objective all the time
- keep your ideas mainstreamed to the purpose of your essay

Lastly, as much emotion you want to pour into the essay, have some reservation, you don't really want the admission panel to have a different take

on you as a person just from your essay, remember, the goal is to catch the panels attention and earn that slot for admission.

Good luck!!!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 8, 2015   #10
Vineeth, no, the paragraph about how you felt at home when you visited UCF is not at all condescending. All the universities try to go for that sense of "home" for their students. However, the information that you used to describe why you had that feeling doesn't blend well with the expectations of a reviewer. You need to get more specific about why you felt at home during that visit to UCF.

My suggestion, is that you mention a few activities that you noted during your visit. Explain that these activities helped you feel at home for a specific reason. The format of that within the paragraph should be: " activity - reason for interest - connection to the sense of home" So you can keep the word count down, you can either choose the one most influential extra curricular activity that you want to participate in or, choose 2 of the activities that you will most likely be enjoying on campus.

By the way, when you discuss the reasons that you opted academically for UCF, try to mention some specific computer or general classes that you know only UCF offers. Then explain why you feel that such classes are important for your overall development as a computer science student. That or those classes will be the most or some of the most important reasons that UCF stood out for you. Remember, the most unique the reason for it standing out, the better your chance of catching the reviewer's attention :-)

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