'a university highly respected worldwide' - College application

Can you please review my essay asap and give me feedback about what to change? i would really really appreciate it :) the *blank* ___ is the name of the university

Discovering and choosing a university that fulfills all my needs was a rigorous yet exciting task. The ___ emerged as the best choice for me; after visiting the campus and researching the university website, I realized that ___ offers what I hope to gain from my college experience. In return, I will contribute to the university as a person with leadership qualities who is driven and enjoys participating in school events.

I chose ___ not only for its remarkable reputation, but also because I am confident that it would quench my thirst for knowledge, for I am determined to pass every course in it with flying colors. Surely I'm amazed by ___'s rich history and its current efforts connected to inclusiveness and equality, likewise the curriculum matches my academic and professional goals. Besides, ___'s cutting-edge technology, libraries and extracurricular activities provide a great learning atmosphere for undergraduates. The collaboration between the faculty and undergraduate students, the sense of community and the flexible yet interdisciplinary nature of the curriculum are all important to me. Therefore ___ was the one place that most spoke my interests.

In addition to having some of the most recognized and lauded faculty in the region, ___ is committed to maintaining a diverse student population. My high-school experience was greatly enriched with diversity of the student body, I'm sure my college experience here would be as well. My own success in high school is largely credited to my parents' subtle influence. Being the eldest of 5 children; I've always tried to emulate my parents when it comes to taking responsibilities seriously, having strong people skills also to share and work in teams, All factors which would influenced my decision of being a business major.

To say the least, I would be proud to say I attend a university that I highly respected worldwide as The ___. During my college experience I hope I will develop skills be better equipped for my career goals and will have superior and opportunities in the future. I'm very enthusiastic to study somewhere that offers remarkable education superiority; interesting cultural variety, attention-grabbing location, and the inspiring student life like nowhere else.

check the next to last line...."and i will have superior and opportunities in the future". you will have superior what?
_____________________

Hi :) I can make a few suggestions:

Your paper sounds good, you have written all of the right things. I feel that the essay does not quite show the reader much of your personality, because it is written in a very plain, simple, and straightforward manner (like you are playing it safe by writing this way). So, in order to not sound generic or boring, I would try to add in a few more details about yourself, your life plan, and tie in the ways that the university will help you with your life plan. Include a brief description of your short-term goals. The part where you mention your interest in a Business major is almost hidden, I would emphasize your goal of achieving a career in business. You could shorten the part about the diverse community, it is good to mention this, but is there another, more important, reason that you chose this school? Your paper is fine the way it is, I am only suggesting these changes with this in mind: the college admissions staff are looking for things that "stand out" and mostly they are looking for details about you, your story, your plan- long and short-term goals, and how the college will serve as a stepping stone toward your life plan. Good luck :)

Thank you so much! yes its still a work in progress and needs a lot of work done :|

Thank you so much! yes its still a work in progress and needs a lot of work done :|