UPENN/NURSING TEAR ME TO SHREDS. NO MERCY

Hey i really want to know what you think, i have taken some real classes at upenn but i need to apply again

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)

Initially I never had strong intentions of going to University of Pennsylvania for any undergraduate program, it was only after my time in the Liberal and Professional Studies program that I realized that University of Pennsylvania was a place I could see myself being a part of. Experiencing University of Pennsylvania classrooms and students gave me a sense of place and belonging that I have yet to find in any other program. I would intentionally walk in the wrong direction of my transit stop before and after class so that I could stroll up and down the scenic Locust Walk and experience the prestige and beauty of the University of Pennsylvania buildings. Even in the off summer months I could still sense the academic electricity that rested below the facade, this felling intensity of the students and teachers is what I can emulate. The academic spark trait is alive in me and I want to be challenged by the curriculum and my peers, the University of Pennsylvania is one of the few locations in the world where I can do so. I find myself only improving and learning in the face of competition and challenge both I can say with certainty exist at University of Pennsylvania.

I plan on giving University of Pennsylvania my all because that is what it will ask of me, and nothing less.

Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'

Which are you?3-5

Before establishing which of the three I would place my self I want to clarify the question. The first of the three classes is the immobile, someone that not only does not wish to move but lacks the ability altogether. This is someone that has no ability to move metaphorically, content with a closed mind, blissful in his or her ignorance and habits. This position is obviously not desirable but it is a state that is too common in today's reality. The opposite of which is also treacherous in todays society, someone that moves does exactly that, their function of going in one direction aimlessly and continuously such as a vector behaves is just as frightful to society and mankind as someone that does not move at all. Someone that just moves in a direction has a likelihood to succeed in some ways but has the same likelihood or even more to cause a detriment to mankind; Most car accidents are caused by drives that do not know where they are going.

Having the ability to be stand still in one's convictions but be able to move in the face of confrontation (or to simplify those that maintain ideal of having an open mind) are vital to mankind more so than the ones that move or the ones that are unmovable. The question phrases the classes of people in a way that all of humanity tends to think, to over glorify leadership and the ones that move, yes it takes ambition for a leader to move in the first place but it is the ones that are movable on their own accord that are great. It is because of these leaders that there is validity to the ones that move, having the ability to think freely enough to recognize the great ideas when they are presented and to look onwards when and another idea is mediocre. That is what we need in our society, that kind is what Mr. Franklin and the rest of the founding fathers had in mind when creating this great republic, a system based on educated and well informed populace with the ability to move, to vote, to preside, rather than the sheer conviction to or not to at all. That is why a President has his staff and his Cabinet to help him make decisions, why a scientist has research and other scientist to peer review and ultimately confirm data, and why a student has professors and classmates to teach him or her.

That is what I am, someone that looks up, someone that can make his own decisions and have independently formed ideas and principles. This is a quality that is typically overlooked and is too frequently replaced with blind leadership and faith. Acting rationally is typically assumed in ecology but it is not something we as society should expect, we must come to terms with the immovable and the ones that can only move.

Discuss your interest in nursing and health care management. How might Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in nursing and business help you meet your goals?

Coming from a family with a mother who started her own health care related company and a father whose discipline has strong business management fundamentals I might say that I am predisposed to the field. Attending classes this past summer at University of Pennsylvania gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to be a U. Penn student. I felt that I was in an environment that was occupied with intelligent individuals and professors that fostered creativity and success is something that I found myself addicted to. University of Pennsylvania is a place where can learn and succeed like nowhere else.

I have spent a few summers working for a small clinical trials company, getting to see all of the steps and hurdles that a drug must overcome to reach the market. Though tasks such as spending months cataloging doctors and weeks licking and sealing thousands of envelopes seemed clerical and mundane to me at first my opinion was soon changed as I started to see the bigger picture. During these periods I was able to find one of the most interesting and challenging fields available. Medicine can involve so much more than pure clinical knowledge, the importance of business savvy and management skills is not typically expected.

Since the beginning of high school I have always found myself involved in servicing communities. I understand that healthcare is a profession it would amazing to have a role that is not only facing the public but one that also is helping people.

The Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in nursing and business presents an opportunity for people such as my self that cannot be ignored. The University of Pennsylvania has tremendous resources when it comes to the study of nursing and management. Those resources are why I feel a need to attend the University of Pennsylvania and responsible for the success of many and the enlightenment of even more.

Break this up into two sentences. It is way to long or you could use ;however,


reword this sentence. You can make this more concise ( keep in mind you have to be under 300 words)


are you trying to say: Even in the summertime ( if so, just say it like that)


wrong word, use energy or vibe


wrong word. Reword the whole phrase


reword the phrase

For this prompt you did not really answer the question until the very end.


myself,


most


what is the relevance of this section.
You spent too much time establish what each class is instead of really answering the question.


had[
quote=alecblumenfeld]Coming from a family with a mother who started her own health care related company and a father whose discipline has strong business management fundamentals I might say that I am predisposed to the field. Attending classes this past summer at University of Pennsylvania gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to be a U. Penn student. I felt that I was in an environment that was occupied with intelligent individuals and professors that fostered creativity and success is something that I found myself addicted to. University of Pennsylvania is a place where can learn and succeed like nowhere else.[/quote] this section is a much better fit for the first essay not this one.

Your essays were okay, however were off course. Answer the prompt. You don't have an unlimited amount of space so be cautious.

Thanks i have implemented the changes, your critiques were super helpful