Hi everyone! I'm a prospective student intending to apply to Penn engineering, but I'm not a native Engish Speaker so I was hoping if I could get some help improving my essay. Thank you!
a world of dessert
If the field of higher education is a world of dessert, then the University of Pennsylvania would be my favorite - vanilla ice cream.
Vanilla ice cream is creamy and delicious by itself, but what makes it so special is its ability to transform. What happens if you add crushed Oreo bits into vanilla ice cream? You get cookies and cream. What if you add chocolate syrup? It becomes a chocolate sundae. Likewise, Penn transforms the flavors of an undergraduate education. Penn's second major program allows me to create my own academic pathway, giving me the opportunity to my interest in Economics into my intended major of computer science, resulting in a more flavourful and exciting learning experience. The permutations and combinations are endless.
Vanilla ice cream has the ability to enhance other food. Don't want a boring root beer? Add some vanilla ice cream and you have root beer float! Not a fan of strong brewed coffee? Drown some vanilla ice cream into it and you'll have the moderately bitter yet sweet affogato. The use of vanilla ice cream is diverse. Its importance in the dessert world distinguishes itself from other flavors. I had my first Facebook account when I was 9. I accidentally uploaded a scanned copy of my mother's passport as a profile picture. My mother, who soon found out, immediately called my father to take it down as soon as possible. After a furious scolding, the incident helped me become aware of the dangers that lurk on the internet, and surprisingly, became a spark for my interest in computer security. With courses such as Introduction to Networks & Security (CIS 331) along with endless research opportunities, I hope to become involved in the world of cybersecurity through Penn Engineering and help raise awareness of computer security's importance to help enhance the lives of the ordinary joe in our increasingly digitalized world.
Vanilla ice cream isn't too sweet but isn't too bland either. Vanilla ice cream brings a balance between the extremes of taste, making the enjoyment all the more worthwhile. UPenn brings a careful blend of rigorous academics and a fulfilling student life. As I build a schedule of my own, I hope to find time to continue my passion for organizing events that bring people together by joining The Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC). Maybe I could involve myself in Philadelphia's community by volunteering in the Civic House. After a week of hard work in the classroom, maybe I can let off some steam with some friends through one of UPenn's intramural sports societies. I may even learn something new, like lacrosse or hockey.
With all these in mind, I came to understand why I like vanilla ice cream so much. I also realized that Penn as a fit for me, and to become part of its community would be an opportunity that I'll never relinquish.The permutations and combinations are endless. - not sure if this adds anything to the essay
I really like the essay topics. I have a few concerns
1. Too many ice cream examples, slim it down to 1 per paragraph
2. You refer to Upenn as both Upenn and Penn, chose one and stick to it.
3. You don't show technical writing skills. I would suggest adding in some colons/semi-comma's to show your mastery of english grammar.
4. I would also reccomend talking more about what you can do for Penn and less about what penn can do for you.
Dear @redname898
I really enjoyed reading your essay! It is very engaging and creative.
One thing though, I did not really understand why you added the part about uploading your mother's passport. You should explain how you understood the dangers of the internet, not just say it.
Otherwise, good job!
Would you review my essays as well? :)
Hope I helped! Good luck!
I like the analogies with vanilla ice cream, however, it becomes too repetitive and downplays the main topic of the paper.
The transition in the third paragraph when you finish talking about the importance of the dessert and the facebook event isn't smooth.
