USC - Seoul's Secret Experience

I'm not the best writer because I tend to lack creativity sometimes so it would be great if I can have some people's input and corrections on this essay. I can take criticism

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Also, would this be able to be used as the "someone who made an impact in your life" prompt for a different University?!

I fixed my attention to every microscopic detail on this reappearing guy who goes by Junyong. He lives here in Seoul, Korea with his grandmother and I happen to get the chance to hang out with him every other year, not even knowing whom he is. Something about him made me skeptical about his intentions. It didn't have to do with his charismatic, but suspiciously ambiguous personality, but instead, the story in his eyes. What he doesn't know about me is that I have a unique skill; I can perceive other's emotions by looking at different factors, but essentially, I can read a person's eyes despite the words that come out of their mouth.

The anxiety in the air is seeping into my skin causing me to break out in goose bumps all over. The tension continues to build and build until Junyong unyieldingly said, "Our mom gave birth to me before moving to America. I'm your older brother."

After that critical moment, my emotions shattered and flew in all different directions to the point where I did not have the will power to pick the pieces back up. I felt tears running down my face, slowly dripping off my nose and chin and splashing onto the wooden floors. Furious at my mom for making me feel lied to my entire life, I punched the most nearby, breakable entity near me, which happened to be an old vanity mirror. My body felt brittle and helpless, almost like all of the energy was drained out of me, and then all of a sudden I felt his hand rest gently upon my shoulder. Shortly after did I realize, that life isn't meant to be perfect. Anything with a beating heart will face an almost impossible obstacle at one point in its life. Life was never meant to be easy for me because my endurance reflects my perseverance and dedication. But at that moment, is when I realized life's philosophy, and my reasoning and ideology on life's struggles; all it takes is, patience, perseverance and time to put those pieces of glass back together.

This is a good passage overall,the conclusion is insightful and meaningful,personally I feel the unfolding of the middle pilot can be slower,the section of self-mental reaction is abundant and adequately intense,however,the whole story have the potential to become more vivid and touching if certain amount of spaces are allotted to describe the expressions of the other one,if possible,unleashing your emotions into the surroundings so as to build a compatible atmosphere.

Aside from that,congratulations,you've transformed into a stronger woman

Thank you for the advice! Do you think this would be able to be used as a "person who made an impact in my life" essay as well?

I think the little flaw I mentioned before was excellently fixed,but please don't blame me for my perfectionism,in this little section,I suggest you adding some descriptions or feelings about ' the sudden touch ',the part of mental activities are really rich,however,adequate remarks especially those marked with ' philosophy depth ' are especially recommended,may be not all of them are really happened in that scene,though it is a feasible way to make your passage in accordance with the ' mental orientation of readers '.

I'm sorry but I kind of lost you when you go to 'philosophy depth' can you explain a little bit more on that?

It's a shame for me to optate words that intend to spawn uncalled-for confusions,what I mean is to annex some remarks which are sagacious or insightful

Don't listen to me,I suddenly feel it is unnecessary for you to read the story,let's make things simpler,I just feel something missing in that tail,I think all you need to do is to add something there,but not too much,as to what you should add,I really don't know