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USD ESSAY (Catholic University); 'My mom and dad are uniquely different'


marissa888 1 / -  
Jan 12, 2009   #1
I was wondering if my essay answered the prompt correctly, or if i was a little too off topic???
I would also love it if you could check for any grammar mistakes && any other advice//critique would be amazing!!! thank you sooooo much!!

PROMPT: As a Catholic University committed to building a more inclusive community, USD values students with diverse backgrounds and experiences. Briefly explain how your unique background and interests will contribute to our community.

Out of the countless people I've met, places I've been to in the world, and inspiring books I've read, there has never been anyone or anything more influential then my parents. My parents were the ones who held my hand on my terrifying first day of kindergarten, they were the ones who got me through my crazy pre-teen drama, and the ones who inspired me to break down my barriers and pursue my dreams. They have played an extremely significant role in my life and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without them. I was raised differently by each of them, but through my unique experiences with each of them, I have developed into a well rounded, determined, strong young adult. Their efforts are constantly inspiring me to achieve great things through hard work, honesty, and generosity.

My mom and dad are uniquely different. While my Mexican mom is a nurturing, traditional, and caring woman my Croatian dad is a determined man with a powerful intuition. My dad was born in a small village in Croatia called "Kerumi." He grew up with very little and started helping his dad on the farm when he was six years old. Hard work, school, and helping his family were the main things my dad lived for. My dad is a fighter with a lot of ambition. He fled his communist country and escaped to America when he was eighteen years old in order to pursue a better life. With twenty dollars in his pocket and no knowledge of the English language, my dad set out to pursue his dream of starting his own catering business. After several years of working numerous hard labor jobs, my dad saved up enough money to start his own business. As I grew up I spent countless hours with my dad listening to his inspiring and courageous stories about his hard childhood and how he came to America. As we would walk through the park together, my dad would ask me about my future aspirations. He never discouraged my ideas and always supported my hopes and desires. He has always told me, "With hard work, you can achieve anything!" Growing up, my dad would often take me to work with him and make me do such tasks as sweeping, washing dishes, prepping food, and taking out the trash. Although I often resisted in my childish temperament, I would soon be won over by an ice cream cone after a hard days work. My dad is constantly pushing me to be my own person, to stay strong, to work hard, and to do something with my life. His constant lessons and talks have stimulated my ambitions to do something great with my life through hard work and dedication.

Possessing strong maternal instincts, my mom has always strived to teach me right from wrong and the importance of love and honesty. My mom grew up in a very strict, religious Mexican household where she was sheltered for most of her life. Growing up, she learned the value of truth, love, and faith and held it dear to her heart. For my mom, her children are everything. From the beginning, my mom has been determined to teach me, my brother, and sister the importance of being good, loving, generous people. Every thought, idea, and question I had growing up, my mom had a touching answer with a good moral. I remember one day when I was ten years old watching TV, a commercial came up about helping poverty stricken children in third world countries. My mom instantly saw the sorrow in my face when the commercial revealed the children's horrible living conditions. She then promised me that one day we would go to Africa together and help those children in need. She still holds that promise to this day and plans on keeping it. Throughout my life, I watched my big-hearted mom donate to charities, help anyone in need, and live her life through honesty. Observing my mom help others and seeing her live her life in honesty has made me strive to be just like her.

My parents are constantly pushing me to be the very best I can be by always supporting my hopes and dreams. My unique up-brining has helped me discover my passion in life; to help others. My mom's constant lessons on love and generosity has motivated me to be self-less and give back to people who are less fortunate then me. My dad's inspiring guidance on working hard and never giving up has pushed me to get through the toughest tasks in order to help others. Seeing other people's face light up with joy and gratitude after I help them is the most rewarding feeling and can only be described as utterly amazing. The best quality I can bring to the University of San Diego is my passion. My passion is everything and I plan on continuing my love of helping people throughout my entire college career. It is also a dream of mine to spread my passion and to get others to help people in need as well. I will always keep my passion dear to my heart and I hope that I can spread my love, generosity, and determination throughout the University of San Diego.

thankkk youuuuu
lrnsmith09 5 / 11  
Jan 12, 2009   #2
Maybe you should be more specific about what your passionate about towards the end. Love generosity and determination are kind of broad and generic.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 13, 2009   #3
You spend a bit too much time talking about generic qualities about your parents -- they were loving and generous and supportive! Hooray! Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your point of view) this is also true of the parents of many other applicants, so just talking about that won't help you to stand out from the crowd. You might want to cut back on the generic stuff to make room for some more interesting material. You do have some good specific details -- the ice cream cone and the show about children in Africa. These are excellent, and you might want to expand on them. You should also consider adding more about how exactly you will help the university. Lauren is right -- your contributions at the moment seem a bit light because you are using such broad, vague concepts.

A couple of grammatical points:

"Out of the countless people I've met, places I've been to in the world, and inspiring books I've read, there has never been anyone or anything more influential than my parents."

"I would soon be won over by an ice cream cone after a hard day's work.
charliesun 9 / 28  
Jan 13, 2009   #4
I suggest you to shorten your essay. If it's too long, the admission officer may yawn.
AmyRemus 9 / 24  
Jan 13, 2009   #5
Some mistakes, I think :D

My parents were the ones who held my hand on my terrifying first day of kindergarten, they were the ones who got me through my crazy pre-teen drama, and the ones who inspired me to break down my barriers and pursue my dreams. --> I think you should cut " the ones who" in the two later phrase.

They have played an extremely significant role in my life --> They play(ed) will do.

Hard work, school, and helping his family --> not parallel structure

He never discouraged my ideas but always supported my hopes and desires.

Throughout my life, I have been watching my big-hearted mom

And do not use abbreviation: don't, 've


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