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This has a value for me: memories, those good or bad

student555 1 / -  
Jan 12, 2018   #1
Hello! This is my university application essay, any feedback is appreciated!

University application essay

What is important to you? And why? (maximum 250 words)

No words were spoken during the dark hours of December 5th, 2015 between me and my older sister. The cold rain felt like needles hitting my face, shortly warming up from the heat of my blushing cheeks and blending in with my tears. We were walking my dog along the dark, lonely seawall as an excuse to get a moment away from our despairing home. That night, my sister and I became each other's backbones, supporting each other through the devastating separation of my parents, and we knew it without saying a single word.

The dispiriting winter night that left me and my sister dazed left a mark, but so did the moments that make me smile whenever I think of them. Memories, good or bad is what I find shaped me to be who I am today and the ones I have with the people I care about in this world are what I put immense value in. From fury to gut-wrenching laughter, a dilemma to a solution, these points in time allow me to completely be myself all at the same time as learning and growing as a human being.

Although sometimes I wish I could forget certain things, I'm learning to understand that memories are crucial to becoming a better individual. They force me to remember the lessons I have learned and help me react to situations similar to those in my past. As Mark Twain says "A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory".

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,485 1927  
Jan 12, 2018   #2
Maude, your response is not accurate. If you had narrated the incident that happened which bonded you to your sister on the night of the your parents divorce. Then spoken of how that relation evolved from that point on then your response would have been on the mark. You need to have shown the reviewer that this relationship with your sister is important to you because from that point on the two of you became the only close family members with bonds that could not be broken. It would have been a true character building moment that would have given the reviewer an insight into the kind of life that you have lived and how it has helped to shape the person you are today. Right now, your essay lacks focus and a true discussion of something you consider important. It would be great if your could revise the essay in a manner that would allow you to really portray a memorable incident that proves to be truly important in relevance to your life.

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