Please critique and comment. I need to cut my essay, I'm over by 31 words. Should I just take out the first para and add more details to the other paragraphs?
Why are you interested in University of Puget Sound? (300 words)
For the past decade, I have been the interpreter and translator to my parents and relatives. Through the experiences, I enjoyed being able to utilize my abilities to the betterment of others. Using my skills to help non-English speaking immigrants and discovering new cultures in high school sparks my interest in studying in the field of Asian Studies. I believe my path towards achieving an excellent education and fulfilling my aspirations begin at the University of Puget Sound.
As I began my college search, I seek to find the finest school that will accommodate me both academically and personally. I desire to study at a school that is near my family, provide programs that will properly equip me with the necessity to fulfill my aspirations, and an ideal environment for a rich college experience. While there are many colleges that fit my criteria, the University of Puget Sound is the school that has taken my interest.
The beautiful campus surrounded by mountains and oceans; and its small size makes a great nurturing environment and allows more opportunities for close bonds to form between students and teachers. The student's words on the school website gave me an insight into UPS's supportive community and passionate faculty. Most importantly, I am particularly impressed by the many programs that UPS offers, specifically the Asian Studies program. Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that UPS offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community.
Based on my extensive research, I know that UPS is the right school for me. UPS offers everything I hope to receive from the best educational institution. I hope to contribute to UPS's lively community and in turn take advantage of the vast resources. I am sure that if given the opportunity, I will be able to excel in UPS's challenging and supportive environment.
Thanks
i just can say that it was a good essay. it was really well done. if i havent been working on my own essay for 6 hours i could probably help with shortening it. im not a native speaker tho. but i would like to help.
anyways it was good.
good luck!
For the past decade, I had been the interpreter and translator of my parents and relatives. Using my skills to help non-English speakers and discovering new cultures in high school sparks my interest in studying in (no "in" here) the field of Asian Studies.
You could actually shorten your first paragraph to one or two sentences and combine it with your last paragraph since that is the paragraph where you concluded about your aspirations in UPS.
As for the part about being a translator and interpreter, I can understand the reason why you are including this, but it don't seem to be very relevant to a "why UPS" essay. Yup, so you might take this into consideration when you are shortening your first paragraph.
Hope it helps and all the best! :)
...I believe my path towards achieving an excellent education and fulfilling my aspirations will begin at the University of Puget Sound.
...As I began my college search, I sought to find the finest school that will accommodate me both academically and personally.
No, I would say keep paragraph one and eliminate paragraph two! Para two does not really say anything.
For the past decade, I have been the interpreter and translator for my parents and relatives. Through these experiences, I enjoyed being able to utilize my abilities to the betterment of others. Using my skills to help non-English speaking immigrants and discovering new cultures in high school sparks my interest in studying in the field of Asian Studies. I believe my path towards achieving an excellent education and fulfilling my aspirations begin at the University of Puget Sound.
The beautiful campus of the University of Puget Sound is surrounded by mountains and oceans; and its small size makes a great nurturing environment and allows more opportunities for close bonds to form between students and teachers. ...
Actually, I'd say both of the first two paragraphs could be cut/condensed, as neither really works to answer the question of Why UPS? The first one deals more with the topic of "why Asian studies?" which you go on to admit you could study at many other universities. The second paragraph just outlines general criteria that you employed when looking for a university, criteria which you likewise admit fit many other universities.
i agree with kevin but after you delete paragraph 2, you should add a little more to paragraph 3
