What is your vision of a successful undergraduate experience and how do you think Victoria College will contribute to this experience both in and out of the classroom?
I was firstly attracted by the high reputation of Vic, since furthering my academic interest will count a large sector after entering a college. E.J.Pratt Library (the largest library) furthered my passion, because I always love to seek knowledge and do research on my own initiative. However, besides academic, I also anticipate my college life to be more fascinating. My attention was drawn to Vic's particular strength in humanities. I expect to meet more friends from other countries, to join students groups and to get involve in the culture diverse community. Vic is a hot choice. I dreamed that one day I may get know with others, studying at the library and sharing all my knowledge about Chinese culture with my new friends.
hi hqm!
Your essay definitely communicates passion for the college's library, and a strong will to learn! Both excellent parameters to exhibit to the reviewers.
However, I have a feeling that you may need to think carefully about the prompt and try a few more versions.
The prompt was not addressed elaborately enough, and there are a few grammar and compositional mistakes. What is your vision? How will Victoria College contribute?
I am not sure if it's a good idea to shorten the names of colleges and universities at first mention. It might be better to use Victoria College instead of "Vic".
This whole first sentence needs to be rephrased; it does not communicate anything to the reader, except that you are attracted to the college.
"after entering a college"? If you refer to the importance of college, it is wise to refer to the importance of the college you are applying to.
EJ Pratt may be a wonderful library, but there is not enough information included about WHY it aroused your passion... I am sure every applicant seeks knowledge, research on your own initiative can be done anywhere... why EJ Pratt's?
"However, besides academic, I also anticipate my college life to be more fascinating." seems quite out of place, sandwiched between your praise of EJ Pratt Library and Victoria College's good humanities dept. It needs to be relocated or removed. It would be better placed after the 'strength in humanities' line.
Word of caution: academics is a LARGE part of college life. If you meant extracurricular activities, or something of that nature, it's better to detail that.
"...and to get involved with the culturally diverse community."
"Vic is a hot choice." Too short, it definitely needs some retooling. Flesh it out, detail why you find it hot. Not the best pick-up line, especially not for an educational institution.
The last line is interesting, but also suffers from bad placing and phrasing.
A good attempt; try different version of essays and see if that brings out your passionate interest in the college.
Is there a word limit?
Perhaps refer to the school in its full name: Victoria College, as this will seem a bit more professional than simply abbreviating the institution.
this first sentence should be changed, I think:
I was firstly attracted by the high reputation of Vic, since furthering my academic interest will count a large sector after entering a college. This sentence does not make a strong point, and it does not say anything very interesting. Replace this with a sentence about your vision for the time you will spend there.
this is too general: "I also anticipate my college life to be more fascinating." The key to doing well with this is describing visual things... the vision of yourself participating in a discussion with others in your program, the vision of yourself making a thoughtful contribution by taking proactive steps to start or improve a club at the school, etc.
I think you can come up with better words to describe the VISION of your work and contributions in these next few years.
:-)
