I'm writing an essay for a college application. The topic is to write about the biggest risk I have taken and what I have learned from it. If I could get some help checking the grammar, that'd be great. I also wanting to know if maybe I explained the situation too much and didn't give enough of the end result I feel like something is missing. Thanks forthe help!
There is one risk that is prominent in my mind above the rest. In the summer of 2008, I made a trip that shocked my parents and surprised even myself. I went to visit a friend whom I had never met before in Columbus, Ohio. I had never flown on an airplane before and I was travelling to an area which was totally unknown to me. Above all, I was visiting a male friend whom I, as I said before, had never had face to face contact with. We had spoken over many years and finally arranged a meeting. I knew my parents would be strongly against this trip, but I felt like it was the right decision and booked the tickets in advance. My parents were furious when I mustered the courage to tell them of my plans. They forbade me from traveling and vowed to take everything they could away from me. However, I had made up my mind and was focused on going.
I took a giant leap of faith by willingly stepping out of my comfort zone to achieve my independence. Through my experiences on this trip I learned various life lessons. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and not rely on my parents for everything. I also learned that sometimes taking a risk is what it takes to achieve your goals in life. I'm not afraid to take chances anymore, my philosophy has changed greatly. With hard work and dedication, anything is possible.
Honestly, I think is a pretty interesting story, I might be wrong, but I think you should explain the situation a bit more. I also think the first sentence, There is one risk that is prominent in my mind above the rest. , might not be necessary.
Hope I helped a little.
Yes, something is missing! You can't say taking a risk is virtuous in itself... the way you explained this, there is no justification for it. You have to have a moral to the story, and it has to be more meaningful than, "Through my experiences on this trip I learned various life lessons. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and not rely on my parents for everything."
I assume you had circumstances that made it okay, but this makes you seem like a rebellious, irresponsible kid who is justifying the decision, etc. I'm not saying that I think that about you, but that the essay makes it seem that way.
The solution is to acknowledge the reasonableness of your parents' concern, and acknowledge the wisdom behind such a concern. If you had a kid doing this, I doubt you would just tell her to go ahead...
And most importantly, dig deep and come up with something clear and original to say, some original insight about this. Let that become the theme of the essay. As of now, all it says is some basic stuff about "various life lessons... stand on my own two feet and not rely on my parents for everything." This is superficial. There is something more to be gained from reflecting on this experience.
