hey all , could you please help me with the revision and editing , the deadline is near! Please help and any feed backs are more than welcome. should i add more ? ( 250 max word)
We live in a world on which young people face gross inequalities and injustice.From poor education to poor nutrition to vulnerable and unemployment , the sequence of problems that many young people from lower income family faced are totally unacceptable but too common.As.... student I strongly believes that everyone should have access to a good quality of education.Working as president of initiative of poverty at my high school was remarkable experience that enable me to learn how to tackle issues related to poverty.Giving this experience my contribution at... is to be an active member of Y club.My commitment to the community and volunteer service have influenced my life and made me a well rounded person. volunteering to distribute christmas gifts in an orphanage and help packing christams gifts to young people from developing countries were unforgettable memories in my life.I am planning to keep volunteering while attending ... and it will make my college diverse and valuable
We live in a world onin which young people face gross inequalities and injustice. From poor education toand poor nutrition to vulnerablevulnerability and unemployment, the sequence of problems that many young people from lower income family facedfamilies face are totally unacceptable but too common. As.... student I strongly believes that everyone should have access to a good quality of education. Working as president of initiative of povertynot sure what you mean here? at my high school was a remarkable experience that enabled me to learn how to tackle issues related to poverty. GivingGiven this experience, my contribution at... is to be an active member of Y club.Maybe something along the lines ofI hope to be able to contribute something similar at ... by being a member of Y club. My commitment to the community and volunteer servicevolunteeringhavehas influenced my life and made me a well rounded person. Volunteering to distribute Christmas gifts in an orphanage and helping packing Christmas gifts to ...
Lydia, your discussion is really quite rough and does not offer the image of a near polished response statement. You have a tendency to wander in terms of your conversation in the essay. Covering various topics instead of just concentrating your discussion on one strong contribution that you can make to the university. It seems like you just threw in all of the ideas that you could think of in terms of contributions and hoped the essay would fix itself. So we need to help you fix your essay now :-)
Consider which of your traits is your strongest and would be the most helpful in a college community setting. Forget the volunteering to distribute Christmas gifts idea. That is the weakest part of your essay. Instead, discuss how you plan to use your experience as a high school member / president of the XXX club that concentrated on helping educate the underprivileged in the community. Present ideas as to how you see yourself continuing this community service either by starting a new organization or joining an organization at the university that participates in this particular or similar activities. Then close the essay about why continuing this activity is important to you and why you feel that as a college student, you should all the more continue to advocate for the cause of education for the masses :-)
thank you guys :) this is my revision , any feed backs are more than welcome:)
we live in a world in which young people living in poverty face gross inequalities and injustice.From poor education to poor nutrition to vulnerable and unemployment, the sequence of problems that young people from lower income family account are totally unacceptable but too common.
As ....student, I strongly believe that everyone should have a good quality of education regardless their family background.Being the president of initiative poverty club at my high school was totally an eye-opening for me, it taught me that education should not be taken for granted rather we should all fight for those who does not have it. As a perceptive student of .... university, I am planning to join Yclub. Being an active member of this Yclub would be an opportunity for me to but into practice the skills and knowledge I gained from my initiative poverty club.I strongly believe that tackling issues related to poor quality education could eventually change the world economy, thus, my contribution will not stop only in this club but I will continue to raise an awareness related to this issue to my fellows students who are not a part of this club.
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Lydia, your essay needs to be redirected a little bit more and the grammar needs to be fixed because you got some words confused in your essay. You also have a problem with capitalization that needs to be addressed. Let me show you how it works better below:
we We live in a world in which where young people living in poverty face gross inequalities and injustice. From poor education, to poor nutrition, to vulnerable and unemployment, the sequence of vulnerable problems that young people from lower income family account brackets are totally unacceptable butall too common.
As ....student, I strongly believe that everyone should have a good quality of education , regardless of their family background. Being the president of an initiative poverty club at my high school was totally an eye-opening experience for me. It taught me that education should not be taken for granted but rather , we should all fight for those who does not have it. As a perceptive student of .... university, I am planning to join Y club. Being an active member of this Yclub would be an opportunity for me to but into practice the skills and knowledge I gained from my initiative poverty club.I strongly believe that tackling issues related to poor quality education could eventually change the world economy, thus . my My contribution will not stop only in at this club. but I will continue to raise an awareness related to this issue to with my fellows students who are not a part of this club.
I like the topic! Take moka's suggestions and your essay will be on point
Thank you guys !! could you please help me with this one
Why do want to attend UBC
Economics has been always a subject I enjoyed the most since I was young. Practically all my life, I have questioned topics related to unemployment and recession until I fully understand them, and Economics allows me to develop my investigative persona.UBC would be a perfect place for to pursue my economic studies as well as shape my perspective of life.Its unique open curriculum would provide me the opportunities to do more independent research that I never was able to do due core requirement of my current college.UBC's location will increase the chance for me to receive internship as well as volunteering opportunity.Additionally, UBC extensive study abroad programs ( especially in French-speaking countries would give me the choice to broaden my education including perspectives from a completely different part of the world and allow to become a stronger, individual leader in my community.
Lydia, avoid redundancies in your first few lines. The following sentences mean the same thing:
Economics has been always a subject I enjoyed the most since I was young. Practically all my life, I have questioned topics related to unemployment and recession until I fully understand them
You can revise it instead to become tighter and more focused by saying:
Economics has been always a subject I have always enjoyed learning about. That is why I have questioned topics related to unemployment and recession until I fully understand them
Its unique open curriculum would provide me the opportunities to do more independent research that I never was able to do due core requirement of my current college.
- What facilities at the university can help you do this? Mention these specifically.
UBC extensive study abroad programs
- Which program in particular do you want to participate in and why?
