"volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY

This is my short answer for the 150 words or less section on the common app, elaborating on an extracurricular activity. Any comments/edits/suggestions are welcome. Thanks in advance!

For the past two years, I've had the opportunity to volunteer at Hôtel-Dieu Grace Hospital, a prominent local hospital, where I devoted myself to serving those in the healthcare community. In 10th grade, I worked at the coffee bar, where I handled significant amounts of money and prepared refreshments, and this summer I switched to working on the discharge team. Here, our responsibility was to take wheelchair patients from around the hospital to other departments, or to meet their families and friends outside. On the discharge team, I was called to almost every one of the nine floors in the building; this enabled me to experience the diverse aspects of the hospital community. During my time here, I gained a great deal of valuable insight into the health profession by developing relationships with doctors, nurses, and patients. More importantly, this experience has given me a heart for the sick and elderly, and a stronger sense of responsibility.

Your essay comes across as generic.

HAVE SOME FUN!
Your colleges will be reading this and figuring out who you are from this. You did give very good examples of experience, and you painted an image of who you are, but you must communicate with more than just subject/adverb/verb/Direct object. Your essay should hold some meaning between the lines.

Take what you have and write it in a way that conveys opinions, ideas - general stuff (i.e. opinion on education, etc. etc.)

Throw some flavor on this bland taco of yours and you'll have a winning essay

Hi.

If it has to be an 150 word essay, I think it may not be wise to include two activities because it makes both of these activities seem random. You may want to focus on one of the event, really elaborate on the experience and then talk about what you have learned. It is difficult connect your experience to what you have learned without having an understanding of what you have done.

G L~

Thanks for the suggestions! The prompt was to briefly elaborate on one of our extracurricular activities or work experiences in 150 words or less. It's because the common application gives like 1 line of room for each activity...which is not enough to get a good picture of it. So i don't really think this counts as an "essay". I already had to write 2 other essays, and one of them I got more creative and personal.

And because of the 150 word limit (which is not that much), I wanted to really elaborate on what I did at the hospital.

But I will definitely try to work in more personal stuff. Thanks!

Yea, I would pick one example and add more detail as to how it helped you develop the skill/trait. Maybe say what hospital you discharged patients at, as it would add a bit of grounding to it. Great start but still sounds kind of generic/vague.

I agree with everyone else; it would probably be best to focus on only the discharging patients part of your essays because although you ran the coffee bar at the hospital, it didn't really have that much to do with what the actual purpose of the hospital is for.

Yes. Be sure to explain what you learned from the experience. Although 150 words is somewhat inhibiting, it is very possible. :]

Hey, major tom, this is ground control. I just wanted to mention that this is some great advice. We are lucky to have you.

opportunity of

or the past two years, I've had the opportunity to volunteer at Hôtel-Dieu Grace Hospital, a prominent local hospital. In 10th grade, I volunteered at the coffee bar, where I handled significant amounts of money and prepared refreshments, and this summer I switched to working on the discharge team.

Don't begin a sentence with "As well."

On the discharge team, I was called to almost every one of the nine floors at Hôtel-Dieu ; this allowed enabled me to experience diverse aspects of the hospital community. During my time here, I gained a great deal of valuable insight into the health profession by developing relationships with doctors, nurses, and patients.--- great sentence!

Okay, I like it... this is an impressive experience. I got rid of "for the past two years," but actually you should include mention of "two years" somewhere because it is impressive that you did this on an ongoing bases. Great job!!

Hey everyone, thanks for the great advice! I really appreciate it! Here's the revised version with the suggested changes:

How's this?

PS: I left the "for the past two years" in the beginning, because I figured that it might be good to start off by emphasizing commitment and giving a "time frame" for them to keep in mind while reading the rest of the essay.

You know, you might be right! I am not confident when I recommend slashing that detail. I recommended slashing it because the time frame is shown in the next sentence with the coffee bar last summer and the discharge team this summer. Yet, it lends a kind of substance or respectability if that sentence says "For two years" instead of just "I have had the opportunity..." So... I guess I agree with you!

Here is a place with a detail to slash:
During my time here, I gained a great deal of valuable insight into the health profession by developing relationships with doctors, nurses, and patients. More importantly, this experience has given me I developed a heart for the sick and elderly and a stronger sense of responsibility.---- this eliminates a cumbersome phrase and switches from passive to active voice.

I think your writing is great, but maybe reconsider your conclusion. I think the best advice I've heard about writing college essays is that your best friend should be able to pick out your essay from a group of random essays. Maybe try to incorporate more of your voice?

I think that most of the essay is effective, but the last sentence could be more powerful. instead of using the passive voice in saying that the experience gave you something, state it in a way so that you GAINED something...(there is a difference)

something like "I earned more than just a stronger sense of responsibility from this experience; I gained compassion for the sick and ederly, an invaluable trait that will surely stay with me as I grow older."