Why I wanted to be an Explorer - Personal Statement WELLESLEY UNDERGRAD

Hi everyone. I consider applying to Wellesley this ED2 and am really nervous about my Personal Statement. My previous PS is about the Dream of becoming an Explorer (is this theme popular? :) However I didn't show the reason why I wanted to be an Explorer in that one so it was not as insightful as I want. I try to demonstrate the reason and it comes to be this new outline. Can you review it for me? Are there any parts that I need to remove or dig in?

Thanks a lot!

the Dream of becoming an Explorer

When I was 5 years old, I was a timid girl who usually sat in the corner and kept silent. However, I was hiding a big secret in my head. I wanted to be a female Pope. Becoming a female leader was my dream although sometimes it was considered bossy and ambitious. But nobody can deny that those women were very free in their choices and could live outside the bias. I admired Catherine the Great of the Russian Empire and other women in power. When I watched Chinese movies with my grandma, I loved the women characters who were good at martial art and could protect themselves and fought for what they love and believe. In reality, I could not see the women in my family tried to go against the dependent lives and live independently. My family, like other Vietnamese families, lower the value of women under the value of men. In all family gatherings, women are always the ones who cook and prepare food, while men are sitting in the living room and chatting with each other. I wonder "why". My mother tried to convince me that they are the traditions that show the beauty and gracefulness of women. However, all the things I can see was just that they let what called traditions confined them and their choices. Maybe among my aunts, my sisters, there was a woman who longed for a chat with other women or even just a relaxed time. It's not right or wrong when they chose to become housewives, but it's really wrong that they've never tried to question What is happening and explored their choices.

I tried to protest for my right to choices from 5 years old through learning and activities. I wanted to live a purposeful life and never let people make a choice for me. I was very conscious of every decision and always ask: "Why do I do this?" I hate the feeling of becoming inactive, I chose to raise my voice and ask questions instead.

When I face a challenge, I don't want to choose the easy part like girls around me, so I set my fear aside. I love challenges in a totally new environment. I even study in the bathroom when my roommates partied or spoke too loud, or went to the cyber coffee and finished my assignments between the gamers. No one knew that I grew from the deepest terror in my heart: the fear of being limited. When I spoke in a confident manner to my classmates: "I want to be your monitor", I was excited yet terrified. It gave me goosebumps, while my breath became rushed and my mind went blank. I had never been a monitor before! I chose to be a monitor, a team leader in high school and took a gap year to follow my passion for business.

All the things I did in the past is to show the value of a girl that she is independent, ambitious, and talented like any boy. The journey I've gone through was hard and I was almost defeated sometimes when I saw that I was so lonely. Every time I drew closure to the perfect me, I got more scars on my heart. However, I was glad to have them in my life. Those scars, not like any ordinary bruises, have made me who I am.

I think ... should be ... families, considers the value of women lower than that of men.

Personally, the first paragraph is too long and you talk too much about your problem. Maybe you should dig more in how you decide things when facing and solving problems..

Hope that will help you

Your discussion is severely disconnected from the content of a personal statement. The reviewer is actually going to be turned off by you saying you knew what you wanted to be at the age of 5. It would be better if you did not mention an age at all because when you mention having an ambition during your toddler years, the reviewer sees that as an exaggeration and tends to not believe the rest of the statements you made within the essay.

You should be showing the progression of your interest in the particular major that you want to pursue. Include any reference to your extra curricular activities that relate to the development of your interest. The last part of the personal statement should allow you to discuss why you chose the university based on your personal social goals and academic ambitions.

@Holt Hello Mary, your feedback almost killed my soul but it is very helpful :) I've written another PS and really appreciate it if you could leave a comment! I hope you could see this message. And Thank you so much !!!

In a new thread.