"The way of the bow, Japanese archery" - Common App short essay -

The short answer essay prompt on the Common Application states, "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer)."

My arms tremble slightly as I raise the bow. I breath out, try to loosen my muscles, and draw the string. Every movement is preliminary to the "Kai"; full draw and complete state of mind. Thus is the nature of Japanese archery: Kyudo. The turmoil of everyday life diminishes as I focus on the little black and white target. I take a moment to pick out the cluttered bits in my mind, to banish my doubts and simply focus on the matter in front of me. As I slow my breathing, I feel my strong heartbeat. A gentle breeze tickles my hair. I hold the draw for a few seconds before the arrow is released from my hands. Whether it hits the target or not, I am able to walk out in an orderly manner. I then ready myself for another shot. (143 words)

What do you guys think? Is it fine if I just submit this? Any last minute suggestions/critiques are welcome!

I really liked the descriptions you gave about archery, but I think that you should possibly say more about how archery helped you as a person. Say more about how you are affected by archery. Good luck!

Thanks! I'll try to see if I can add in a line on that. Does anyone else have some other suggestions?

This is my revised version. I haven't changed much, just the last two sentences. Please tell me what you think.

My arms tremble slightly as I raise the bow. I breath out, try to loosen my muscles, and draw the string. Every movement is preliminary to the "Kai"; full draw and complete state of mind. Thus is the nature of Japanese archery: Kyudo. The turmoil of everyday life diminishes as I focus on the little black and white target. I take a moment to pick out the cluttered bits in my mind, to banish my doubts and simply focus on the matter in front of me. As I slow my breathing, I feel my strong heartbeat. A gentle breeze tickles my hair. I hold the draw for a few seconds before the arrow is released from my hands. Whether it hits the target or not, I walk out in an orderly manner. Kyudo is what I find solace in, what helps me to embrace the ordeals in my life.

(150 words)

I really like it. It paints very vivid mental picture and makes me feel that you really do care about Kyudo. It certainly puts my office assistant paragraph to shame.

hey yours is wonderful, I can assume you are so smart!

I can't find any mistakes or parts to be fixed... indeed!
you write clearly, though it includes enough elements to give readers real-mood, it's just great.
I think I know how you felt, cause I'm also the person who do Budo(I do Aikido).
I don't know whether Americans or other people think and feel that, but as one Japanese, you write about the mood so vividly that I can imagine it clearly and I like it :) and it's also well written about what you learned from Kyudo, so I guess there's no problem to send that!

>>qwerty456a
Thank you so much! I feel so happy. I'm glad you got what I wanted to express :)

>>aona105
A biiigg thank you! I really appreciate all your feedback. Eh, I need my essays as my hook, my academic records aren't that strong lol. You do Aikido?! Awesome! Yeah, I'm not sure if other people feel this too, but I guess they'll either take it or leave it. :0

Thanks guys! I'll send this in!