NEEDS TO BE SUBMITTED IN 24 HOURS. PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU
Tell me if any unnecessary sentences disrupt the flow and need to be cut.
Please limit your response to two well-developed paragraphs.
'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'
The realization often hits me like a sudden wave, knocking me off my feet: I have grown and evolved at a faster rate than my society. While I watched movies about single mothers and read novels about emancipated women, most families in my community looked for rich successful suitors to support their daughters, upon reaching adulthood. The idea of an independent woman--working outside home, supporting herself and her family, without relying on a man--has still not been widely adopted. In my third-world country, gender equality has still not been firmly established. I constantly needed to prove my worth in a world where boys were generally expected to be superior in math and girls were meant to be soft-spoken. Instead of allowing my daunting surroundings to belittle my spirit(s?), I strived to let my ambitions challenge these conservative conventions. I longed for an environment where women would be influential leaders, not bored housewives. I wished for the day a woman would be greeted not by a man's wolf-whistles and catcalls, but with a respectful nod or a firm handshake.
I have discovered Wellesley to be the ideal place for me to live, learn and grow, because it offers me the opportunity to surround myself with the most ambitious, talented and unique women from all over the world. It is the place that I have always dreamed of--a place where I would be judged not by my gender, but by the content of my character and the extent of my abilities. By exploring Wellesley's liberal curriculum and connections to other prestigious institutions, such as MIT, I could develop my inherent skills, cultivate my passions and discover new interests. Its amazing research opportunities and science faculty would aid me greatly to nurture my interest in the physical sciences. Wellesley's commitment to diversity and assistance to international students will expose me to new ideas and enable me to express my Bengali culture openly (at the Wellesley Association for South Asian Cultures). As I am from a highly selective school, I would be perfectly compatible with the small interactive classes and the close-knit campus community. At Wellesley, I could explore the dynamic city of Boston, pursue a plethora of activities, enjoy close relationships with my professors and form lasting friendships with my peers. By transcending the boundaries of gender-bias I have grown up within, I hope to attain the freedom I crave and thrive in a community of diverse, intellectual women. Instead of drowning under(or in?) the suppression, I shall keep my head above the water and ride the wave.
Is it too long? Any suggestions/criticisms will be much appreciated! Thank you for your help :)
Tell me if any unnecessary sentences disrupt the flow and need to be cut.
Please limit your response to two well-developed paragraphs.
'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'
The realization often hits me like a sudden wave, knocking me off my feet: I have grown and evolved at a faster rate than my society. While I watched movies about single mothers and read novels about emancipated women, most families in my community looked for rich successful suitors to support their daughters, upon reaching adulthood. The idea of an independent woman--working outside home, supporting herself and her family, without relying on a man--has still not been widely adopted. In my third-world country, gender equality has still not been firmly established. I constantly needed to prove my worth in a world where boys were generally expected to be superior in math and girls were meant to be soft-spoken. Instead of allowing my daunting surroundings to belittle my spirit(s?), I strived to let my ambitions challenge these conservative conventions. I longed for an environment where women would be influential leaders, not bored housewives. I wished for the day a woman would be greeted not by a man's wolf-whistles and catcalls, but with a respectful nod or a firm handshake.
I have discovered Wellesley to be the ideal place for me to live, learn and grow, because it offers me the opportunity to surround myself with the most ambitious, talented and unique women from all over the world. It is the place that I have always dreamed of--a place where I would be judged not by my gender, but by the content of my character and the extent of my abilities. By exploring Wellesley's liberal curriculum and connections to other prestigious institutions, such as MIT, I could develop my inherent skills, cultivate my passions and discover new interests. Its amazing research opportunities and science faculty would aid me greatly to nurture my interest in the physical sciences. Wellesley's commitment to diversity and assistance to international students will expose me to new ideas and enable me to express my Bengali culture openly (at the Wellesley Association for South Asian Cultures). As I am from a highly selective school, I would be perfectly compatible with the small interactive classes and the close-knit campus community. At Wellesley, I could explore the dynamic city of Boston, pursue a plethora of activities, enjoy close relationships with my professors and form lasting friendships with my peers. By transcending the boundaries of gender-bias I have grown up within, I hope to attain the freedom I crave and thrive in a community of diverse, intellectual women. Instead of drowning under(or in?) the suppression, I shall keep my head above the water and ride the wave.
Is it too long? Any suggestions/criticisms will be much appreciated! Thank you for your help :)
